Photo courtesy of Joshua Burgard

I’ve noticed, ever since a dear friend pointed it out, that at some twelve step meetings they say the Lord’s Prayer a bit differently at the close of the meeting. It is not how they introduce the prayer, and it is not what they say at the end of the prayer. It is how they say “Give us this day our daily bread.” They always pause after the word “day,”  and, thus, it  sounds as if they are asking God to give them this day. Somehow that makes  sense for people who have learned the importance of living one day at a time. This emphasis does not to imply bread is less important, but it does help those saying the prayer to be grateful for now, this moment, and this day.

Sometimes, however, the day we are living may be one we wish we did not have to endure. At  those times,  God is closest to us as he helps us navigate the difficulties contained within that day. I have been “stuck” in such times, and always, God has plowed through the despair that clouds my soul to strengthen and comfort me. Perhaps that is because he always abides in my soul. And, too, I think it is because of the prayers that have been said for me.

I am not just talking about the gift of spiritual support. God sends friends and strangers to speak to my soul—often in unexpected ways, and those unexpected intrusions break through the despair and help me get “back on track.” Perhaps the most important message here is that we never know when we will be instrumental in helping someone else feel God’s grace and love.  However, if we do not try to share God’s love and comfort, if we isolate, if we ignore the pain we see in someone’s face or hear in someone’s voice we will fail at giving that person comfort and support because we miss the opportunity.

I am writing to remind myself and my readers as we all get busy in the “hustle and bustle” our culture wraps around celebrating Christ’s birth to remember to always take time to notice those we encounter and to respond to what we see with care and concern. I tend to get totally engrossed in  doing something to the point that I don’t pay attention to what is happening around me. I need to constantly remind myself to take a deep breath, to feel God’s spirit within me now, in the moment—–and to try to practice  “mindfulness”—-only then can I be aware with all my senses. Only then can I notice when I need to respond to another with understanding and compassion.

Just my thoughts on a gray, cloudy, cold November day. I hope those that will be traveling for Thanksgiving stay safe and that all of us, traveling or not, alone or with others, are able to enjoy being thankful for the many gifts we have been given. Please comment and share your thoughts about today’s discussion. May God bless and keep you.

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My friend Bobbie introduced me to a wonderful new Facebook page this afternoon, and I decided to write about this quote from that page:

” Waiting for someone else to make you happy is the surest way to be sad.”

Accessed on 11/24/13 at https://www.facebook.com/buddhistbootcamp

Unfortunately, I have spent too many minutes, days, and years in the past waiting for someone else  or something else to make me happy. And this quote is right—-I got sadder and sadder while I waited. Now I know the decision to be happy is my own; no one else can change my attitude except myself. When I am able to “change it” in a positive direction I am much happier.

Just as other people can’t make me happy, getting some material thing I wanted or accomplishing something I wanted to accomplish can’t make me happy either.  When I depend on someone or something outside of myself  to make me happy, I am, essentially, giving away all my power to a constant state of “wanting;” there is never enough to make the wanting go away. That feeling of being happy, of “having enough” or of “being full or whole” has to originate within myself by my act of consenting to receive God’s love.

In addition, my state of happiness needs to be based on my own  self-worth and self-validation. For me,  that means accepting I am a valid human being because God made me that way and because God loves me. I don’t have to earn that love or to buy my self-worth with “good deeds” or accomplishments. I don’t have to get it from other people. Actually, I can’t get it from other people. It is a gift from God, and to fail to love myself and to realize my own “validity,” just as I am, means I am failing to totally accept God’s gift of love and grace. I have learned seeing myself as unworthy of God’s love is a form of false-pride; it is thinking I am unique enough to be beyond God’s love and grace.

I don’t know if any of this is making any sense. I am reminded of a conversation I had with my rector this morning. He was talking about “being saved” by God’s grace. I interrupted him to ask him, “Saved from what?” My question was prompted by the fact that many years ago my step-father asked me what Christians meant by the term “saved?” Specifically, he asked me, “Saved from what?” I didn’t know how to answer him, but today I have a better idea because I know I am saved from myself and my own self-will  by God’s grace.

My rector answered my question about the meaning of being saved from what by saying, “From being separate  from God.” Earlier in the same lesson, he had said sin was, in fact,  being separate from God. His comments made sense. Somehow,  the phrase “being separate from God” makes a lot more sense to me than the word “sin” with all its traditional connotations of evil and damnation.

I doubt my step-father would have been able to understand what is meant by being separate from God. In my own spiritual journey,  I have come to love and value being surrounded by, immersed in, and joined with the love of God. Without it, I would still  be trying to find other people, places, or things to make me happy when all along the source of true happiness, God and God’s love,  have been within me just waiting for me to acknowledge, accept,  and consent to our union. And,  if that is being saved, than I can truly say I am grateful for being saved.

Please comment and share your thoughts about today’s topic. May God bless and keep you.

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In reading a daily meditation this morning, I was struck by an author’s suggestion that we imagine the choices we make create a slide show that we will watch at the time of our death; the assumption is that we will not be the only ones watching the slide show (Editors, Guideposts ,2012-10-01. Daily Guideposts 2013 [Kindle Locations 3452-3453]. Guideposts Books. Kindle Edition.). Of course, I am uncomfortable thinking about anyone, let alone my Creator, watching “still shots” of some of the choices I’ve made in my life time.  I would rather not look at the slides of me back in my drinking days and the consequences of all the wrong choices I made. However, I think I would be even more embarrassed by the slides of the choices I’ve made since I’ve been sober and embarked on a spiritual journey. I am referring to things I’ve done and left undone because I chose to be self-centered instead of God-entered and centered—-including the choices I’ve made that have hurt myself, my human body or my eternal soul, in some way.

I am somewhat comforted by knowing my Creator is already fully aware of my every action, thought, and deed. I know my Creator has forgiven me and does so over and over again on a daily basis. That, too, is comforting. But, what if, as we were discussing at a book study a couple of nights ago, I surrender something to my Creator and then keep taking it back? What if I ask for help with something I want to change in myself and then turn my back on that help so I can continue doing what my false self wants to do?

It is not that I think those choices will anger my Creator more than others I’ve made; what bothers me is that I repeatedly keep choosing to do the same things over and over again expecting different, more desired or “normal” results even when I know better. I sometimes imagine my Creator watching me like he would an infant that keeps sticking a finger in a flame—-he wants me to stop but can’t make me stop because he has given me freedom of choice. Perhaps I should worry that he’ll give up on me and turn around in disgust leaving me to keep sticking my finger in the flame. But I know my Creator’s love and forgiveness have no limit, and the part that most irritates me is that I repeatedly make hurtful choices and repeatedly suffer the natural consequences of those choices.  In a nutshell, my own stupidity and stubbornness, although much lessened due to spiritual growth, are still there to make me teachable and “right-sized” in terms of humility. I hope. I sometimes wonder how many times I have to burn my finger before I really am willing to learn and surrender a bad habit to my Creator “for keeps.”

Please comment and share your thoughts on surrendering harmful habits “for keeps.” May God bless and keep you.

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Well, this morning this quote jumped out and “smacked” me in the head:

“The pattern seems to be that when conflict arises, we compulsively choose from a variety of ill-fated responses. A common one is to jump headfirst into our fear of abandonment pool at the first sight of conflict.”

Anonymous,1987, Days of Healing: Days of Joy, Hazelden Meditation Series, page for August 4.

Perhaps my reaction to reading this was influenced by a dream I had while sleeping last night. In the dream I was sitting on a chair in a centrally located small room in a house. The room  had two open doors. From my perch I could view people coming and going and “having a life” all around me, but still I sat as if chained to my chair. One of the people walked over to me and asked me how I was. I immediately started crying and told this person that the person I lived with in that house would not let me leave him.

I remembered this dream and the feelings of sadness and of being trapped when I awoke. Reading the above meditation quote gave me some insight into what this dream may have been trying to tell me. There have been times in my life when I lived my life devoted to the person I lived with while allowing myself and my needs to be basically ignored—-yet I stayed in those situations by actively denying my own pain and failing to acknowledge my own needs, including my need to escape from my self-imposed prison. In both reality and in my dream there were never any physical chains or locks to keep me stuck where I was. I created my own prisons. The above quote suggests to me that perhaps my life, for the most part, has indeed been based on avoiding conflict and the fear of abandonment and being alone.

In my early adulthood I used alcohol to avoid pain, fear, and conflict—-and to drown my own needs, feelings, and wants. But even with decades of sobriety, I still managed to lock myself into another unhealthy situation for almost ten years.  I am happy to report I believe I am free from self-imposed prisons and my fear of abandonment now that I am staying grounded in a spiritual foundation. I have realized I am never alone, that God is always both with and within me. The stronger that belief grows, the more I am able to release anxiety and tension. I have found I love living alone, I love myself, I love my dogs, and I love the people I meet while sharing God’s love. If I keep reminding myself it is all about love, there is hardly any room left  in my reality for fear and protective self-imposed prisons.

Please comment and share any thoughts you might have about today’s discussion. May God bless and keep you.

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It is not even Thanksgiving, and I am developing a really negative attitude over the approaching holidays. Everywhere I turn I am bombarded with what I need to do, own, buy or want to make them “perfect.” Today, a video of “K-Mart’s Controversial Show Your Joe Commercial” is circulating on Facebook. I have not seen it on television, and I hope I don’t. I checked out Snopes hoping this was a rumor, but Snopes had nothing to say about such a commercial. I can’t even think of a word to accurately describe this capitalist spin on Christmas. I doubt that God had this outcome in mind when He gifted us with the love and grace embodied in both Christ’s life and death.

Watching this commercial reinforced a book study discussion I participated in last night. We discussed how our obsession with the concept of time can keep us from fully experiencing the present moment. According to the author of the book we are reading, focusing on special holidays, feasts, or celebrations (future or past) robs us of our ability to live now, this moment (Rohr, 2009. The Naked Now: Learning to See as the Mystic Sees, New York: Crossroad Publishing).  Right now our country is experiencing loss of life and property secondary to tornadoes, financial and health care problems, invasion of privacy issues, and lots of other things which, frankly, make it tempting to day dream about past or future better times. If I let myself escape into that “mind set” then I am not allowing God’s love to flow into, through and  out of me so that it can reach others. If my mind is not immersed in now, I don’t think or act in the now. Therefore, I cannot respond to the hunger, poverty, grief, pain, and sickness that my fellow humans are suffering.  For example, which set of thoughts would bring me closer to sharing God’s love now, today? Would it be thinking of 6 men in boxers shaking their genitals to play “Jingle Bells” with bells attached to their bodies? Or, would it be wondering if I should volunteer or send aid to those in my own or neighboring states who are victims of Sunday’s tornado?

Don’t get me wrong. I am not a saint. Were I younger with more libido on tap I might find a chorus line of men dancing in baggy boxers interesting. To be honest, if a commercial about how to get tons of yarn for next to nothing was playing to the tune of Jingle Bells, I might be interested. Oh, I am growing old—-or, hopefully, wiser. Regardless, focusing on Christmas or any other holiday robs me of today.

My bad attitude, however, is not so much about not living in the moment as it is about using Christ’s birth as an excuse to worship money, greed, and capitalism. Christmas should celebrate Christ’s birth; not capitalism.  I am learning that Christmas can be a frame of mind, an everyday or every moment way of being filled with the spirit of God and God’s love within, around, among, above, and below each and every one of us; a spirit that freely shared makes God’s love and grace even more real for all of us who are connected by being part of God’s creation.

Well, my rant is over. Just putting in words helped me feel better and realize that rather than wasting my energy judging how others spend their moments I should focus instead on what I do with my moments. Please comment and share your thoughts about holidays. May God bless and keep you.

I am always amazed at how much fun it is to participate in the “food truck event” sponsored by my church, the Southeast Missouri Food Bank, and, of course, God.  Even though today was cloudy and a cool, damp wind was blowing, the smiling, hugging, laughing, and visiting crowd created a “street fair” atmosphere. People of all ages, genders, and races enjoyed each others’ company. I think I was told we gave away 6000 pounds of food today and 213 people walked through the food line.

Knowing the Salvation Army ran out of food this past week here in this Southeast Missouri town left me a bit worried about whether or not we’d have enough food to go around—-especially when it became obvious that more people than ever before had showed up this morning.  When I first arrived thirty minutes before the event was scheduled to start and saw the size of the crowd that had already lined up, I  remembered how Christ fed crowds, and I found myself praying and expecting that God would do so today. My prayer was answered. It felt like I was being given the privilege of actually watching Christ perform the miracle of feeding a huge crowd with just a limited amount of bread and fish. We even had food left over after everyone went through the line, and we were able  to send it  to Parkview State School, an institution that works with severely handicapped children.

One of the things that helps this event be special is many who have been helped in the past return to help with the event the next time it is held. Seeing people from the community being served involved in helping one another rather than just “waiting for a hand out,” as so many stereotypes portray, always reaffirms my faith in the strength of God. What “shines through” is the bit of God present in all of us along with living proof of how strong God’s love can grow when it is shared.

Many people worked long hours getting everything organized and set up. They did the leg work so that this opportunity for God’s love to be shared actually materialized. I want to say thank you to all of them. Recently retired Father Bob Towner also deserves a great deal of gratitude  for initiating this tradition several years ago. I am grateful just to be a small part of this “Miracle on Themis Street.”

I don’t often feel like I’m part of one of God’s miracles, but I did today. Please comment and share your thoughts about participating in God’s miracles. May God bless and keep you.

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Poor Gus.  Today I gave up on a baby afghan I was crocheting because I was having an allergic reaction to some of the yarn I was using….and I was too “cheap” to throw it away. Then I got the bright idea of “converting” it into a “doggy cape” for Gus. I folded the remnant in half and tied it on him like a cape—-with a cord around his neck and another around his waist—-not too tight, of course. He looked exactly like what he was—-a dog who was unfortunate enough to have to wear an afghan tied to his back. After about a half an hour I took pity on him and removed the “cape” from his back. I should say his torso, because the belted cape kept sliding around his body do that it was more on his side than over his back.

At times in my life I have tried to fix broken relationships just like I did this crochet project gone awry. This resulted in make-over relationships that  were just as ill-fitting and worrisome as Gus’ “afghan-cape.”  My “stinkin’ thinkin'” (one of my favorite AA terms)  has caused me, in the past, to consider any relationship, even a bad one, as better than no relationship at all.  Somehow,  I still have depression-era values taught to me by my father floating around in my head. I have trouble discarding things, even when they are obviously ineffective.

I am no longer trying to make relationships over; however,  I am currently applying  this “don’t throw anything away” mentality to clothes that no longer fit, extra pounds that feel like a comfortable “shield,” old closet hangers; three decades worth of shoes, two drawers full of socks, six book cases full of books,  and tons of unused, miss-matched yarn. Why? I don’t know.

Last night in a book discussion meeting we were discussing how recovery work is a constant process of digging deeper, finding hidden layers within ourselves and discarding what we need to discard. I talked about unearthing positive surprising treasures I don’t want to discard. I felt a little out of place saying this as no one else seemed to identify with what I was saying. However, I felt somewhat validated tonight when I read a comment of Richard Rohr’s about a type of amnesia we all suffer from in which we spend a life time finding out who we already are, a self we barely recognize (Rohr, Richard ,2013-01-03. Falling Upward: A Spirituality for the Two Halves of Life — A Companion Journal, Kindle Location 492).

Granted, I need to discard a considerable amount of junk. But in this spiritual journey of self discovery, perhaps I need to uncover, recognize, and keep—-rather than discard—–the self I have always been but am just beginning to recognize.

Please comment and share your thoughts about self reflection, self discovery, and self-discernment (deciding what to keep and what to discard) in this spiritual process of discovering who we are. May God bless and keep you.

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I promise I am not turning Buddhist—–at least, not yet. Just yesterday I stepped on about 10 insects that were trying to cross over  the threshold of my front door into my house. I tried to rationalize I was putting them out of their misery and preventing them from freezing to death come nightfall.

Seriously, though, I feel drawn to the writings of those who follow Buddha. Today I am going to be writing about a quote from Thich Nhat Han, a man who is considered a Buddhist Zen master. The quote addresses the concept of craving. Granted, craving is a recognized component of addiction, but I believe it is experienced by everyone.  According to Thich Nhat Hanh (p. 70 in The Art of Power, 2007,  published by  Harper Collins in New York), “The Buddha described a dog who, when thrown a bare bone, runs after it and chews on it even though there’s no meat on the bone. He doesn’t get any nutrition form the bone, yet he hangs on to it and won’t let go. Our attitude is just like that. Cravings can never bring satisfaction, yet we keep on running after them. ”

Reading this, I have to ask myself, “What bone am I running after at this point in time?” Alcoholics in recovery often say “One drink is too many, and a thousand is not enough.” By the grace of God, I am not drawn today to go chasing after that one drink too many——but what am I chasing today? Is it a warm, cozy drink of hot chocolate? A new book? A new computer game? A new pair of shoes? Just one potato chip too many? Obviously, craving is a part of my life. Or it can be if I don’t re-direct my attention to receiving and sharing God’s love. All those things, food, drink, apparel, toys, gadgets, tools, etc.—-they are just things. I can keep chewing on them, but they will not feed my soul.

Sometimes, though, I must admit, the familiar act of chewing that old bone is somewhat comforting. It can be; that is part of its allure— the “chewing” can be perceived as comfortable, predictable, and solid. Sometimes the bones I chase aren’t physical objects; sometimes they are worries, ideas, resentments and, fears—-all those thoughts that are used to monopolizing my cognition. Learning to replace those with faith, love, prayer, and service is a skill that I will always be in the process of learning rather than mastering. My serenity depends on my successfully re-structuring my “craving protocol” focus from worldly values to a spiritual values. I need to do this to  nurture my eternal soul as all else will pass away.

Whoa! I didn’t mean to get quite so “preachy” this morning, but I think the message about attending to what I am craving and what I’m doing about it with God’s help is an important one for me to comprehend and accept. Please comment and share your thoughts about craving. May God bless and keep you.

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I just read a meditation in one of Hazelden’s  daily meditation books entitled “Days of Healing: Days of Joy” (Larsen and Larsen-Hegarty, 1987). The meditation I read clarified something that should have been obvious to me from the very beginning of my recovery journey. This basic knowledge was there with me, I think, lurking in the wings back stage, but it never took center stage for me until today. The meditation I was reading was about escaping our addictions, problems, or compulsions. The point was made that “One of the prices of freedom is the requirement that we name our slavery”(Meditation for July 4th).

Thirty two plus years ago I named my  slavery of alcoholism, but I have had to name other self-imposed “slaveries” through the years to gain the freedom needed to break away from them and continue my spiritual journey. It is almost as if whenever I identify and tackle one problem using the wisdom inherent in the twelve steps another one always emerges to take its place. I have come to feel blessed in that I have gained the ability to recognize and name what is “enslaving me” more quickly now than I could in the beginning. This means I can also begin to free myself  with the help of my Higher Power more quickly now than I previously could.

This is one reason us “old-timers” with decades of recovery need to keep attending twelve step meetings; the meetings provide opportunities for us to recognize and give voice to what we are erroneously  letting have power over us. The meetings help us “take back our freedom” by naming our problems and turning them over to our Higher Power. It is a great comfort to know that there is always love and support available just for the asking from our Higher Power and that we don’t have to let something fester and grow into a major problem before we ask for help.

So, today I celebrate freedom from my bondage of self one day at a time. I am grateful for friends who understand and  join me in celebrating our collective freedom. Please comment and share your thoughts about escaping “self-imposed slavery.” May God bless and keep you.