Image courtesy of worradmu/ FreeDigitalPhotos.net
In reading a daily meditation this morning, I was struck by an author’s suggestion that we imagine the choices we make create a slide show that we will watch at the time of our death; the assumption is that we will not be the only ones watching the slide show (Editors, Guideposts ,2012-10-01. Daily Guideposts 2013 [Kindle Locations 3452-3453]. Guideposts Books. Kindle Edition.). Of course, I am uncomfortable thinking about anyone, let alone my Creator, watching “still shots” of some of the choices I’ve made in my life time. I would rather not look at the slides of me back in my drinking days and the consequences of all the wrong choices I made. However, I think I would be even more embarrassed by the slides of the choices I’ve made since I’ve been sober and embarked on a spiritual journey. I am referring to things I’ve done and left undone because I chose to be self-centered instead of God-entered and centered—-including the choices I’ve made that have hurt myself, my human body or my eternal soul, in some way.
I am somewhat comforted by knowing my Creator is already fully aware of my every action, thought, and deed. I know my Creator has forgiven me and does so over and over again on a daily basis. That, too, is comforting. But, what if, as we were discussing at a book study a couple of nights ago, I surrender something to my Creator and then keep taking it back? What if I ask for help with something I want to change in myself and then turn my back on that help so I can continue doing what my false self wants to do?
It is not that I think those choices will anger my Creator more than others I’ve made; what bothers me is that I repeatedly keep choosing to do the same things over and over again expecting different, more desired or “normal” results even when I know better. I sometimes imagine my Creator watching me like he would an infant that keeps sticking a finger in a flame—-he wants me to stop but can’t make me stop because he has given me freedom of choice. Perhaps I should worry that he’ll give up on me and turn around in disgust leaving me to keep sticking my finger in the flame. But I know my Creator’s love and forgiveness have no limit, and the part that most irritates me is that I repeatedly make hurtful choices and repeatedly suffer the natural consequences of those choices. In a nutshell, my own stupidity and stubbornness, although much lessened due to spiritual growth, are still there to make me teachable and “right-sized” in terms of humility. I hope. I sometimes wonder how many times I have to burn my finger before I really am willing to learn and surrender a bad habit to my Creator “for keeps.”
Please comment and share your thoughts on surrendering harmful habits “for keeps.” May God bless and keep you.
Living One Day at a Time 
I am thinking that is why they call such things “unmanageable”. I will never, ever be strong enough in this flesh and this lifetime to manage these things consistently and once and for all: wanting to return hurt for hurt, wanting to gossip, wanting to overeat “just this one plate of spaghetti”. Oh, I do so love spaghetti! It will always be such a battle. In my saner moments I realize that this makes the prospect of death less frightening, the reality of heaven even more desirable, when I finally will be delivered from “this body of death”.
You are right on target with what I understand the meaning of “unmanageable” to be—only I have found if I surrender whatever “it” is (that which is unmanageable) is to God, and take “I” out of the situation/equation—-then things are managed.