Image courtesy of debspoons/ FreeDigitalPhotos.net

I promise I am not turning Buddhist—–at least, not yet. Just yesterday I stepped on about 10 insects that were trying to cross over  the threshold of my front door into my house. I tried to rationalize I was putting them out of their misery and preventing them from freezing to death come nightfall.

Seriously, though, I feel drawn to the writings of those who follow Buddha. Today I am going to be writing about a quote from Thich Nhat Han, a man who is considered a Buddhist Zen master. The quote addresses the concept of craving. Granted, craving is a recognized component of addiction, but I believe it is experienced by everyone.  According to Thich Nhat Hanh (p. 70 in The Art of Power, 2007,  published by  Harper Collins in New York), “The Buddha described a dog who, when thrown a bare bone, runs after it and chews on it even though there’s no meat on the bone. He doesn’t get any nutrition form the bone, yet he hangs on to it and won’t let go. Our attitude is just like that. Cravings can never bring satisfaction, yet we keep on running after them. ”

Reading this, I have to ask myself, “What bone am I running after at this point in time?” Alcoholics in recovery often say “One drink is too many, and a thousand is not enough.” By the grace of God, I am not drawn today to go chasing after that one drink too many——but what am I chasing today? Is it a warm, cozy drink of hot chocolate? A new book? A new computer game? A new pair of shoes? Just one potato chip too many? Obviously, craving is a part of my life. Or it can be if I don’t re-direct my attention to receiving and sharing God’s love. All those things, food, drink, apparel, toys, gadgets, tools, etc.—-they are just things. I can keep chewing on them, but they will not feed my soul.

Sometimes, though, I must admit, the familiar act of chewing that old bone is somewhat comforting. It can be; that is part of its allure— the “chewing” can be perceived as comfortable, predictable, and solid. Sometimes the bones I chase aren’t physical objects; sometimes they are worries, ideas, resentments and, fears—-all those thoughts that are used to monopolizing my cognition. Learning to replace those with faith, love, prayer, and service is a skill that I will always be in the process of learning rather than mastering. My serenity depends on my successfully re-structuring my “craving protocol” focus from worldly values to a spiritual values. I need to do this to  nurture my eternal soul as all else will pass away.

Whoa! I didn’t mean to get quite so “preachy” this morning, but I think the message about attending to what I am craving and what I’m doing about it with God’s help is an important one for me to comprehend and accept. Please comment and share your thoughts about craving. May God bless and keep you.

Image courtesy of adamr/ FreeDigitalPhotos.net

I just read a meditation in one of Hazelden’s  daily meditation books entitled “Days of Healing: Days of Joy” (Larsen and Larsen-Hegarty, 1987). The meditation I read clarified something that should have been obvious to me from the very beginning of my recovery journey. This basic knowledge was there with me, I think, lurking in the wings back stage, but it never took center stage for me until today. The meditation I was reading was about escaping our addictions, problems, or compulsions. The point was made that “One of the prices of freedom is the requirement that we name our slavery”(Meditation for July 4th).

Thirty two plus years ago I named my  slavery of alcoholism, but I have had to name other self-imposed “slaveries” through the years to gain the freedom needed to break away from them and continue my spiritual journey. It is almost as if whenever I identify and tackle one problem using the wisdom inherent in the twelve steps another one always emerges to take its place. I have come to feel blessed in that I have gained the ability to recognize and name what is “enslaving me” more quickly now than I could in the beginning. This means I can also begin to free myself  with the help of my Higher Power more quickly now than I previously could.

This is one reason us “old-timers” with decades of recovery need to keep attending twelve step meetings; the meetings provide opportunities for us to recognize and give voice to what we are erroneously  letting have power over us. The meetings help us “take back our freedom” by naming our problems and turning them over to our Higher Power. It is a great comfort to know that there is always love and support available just for the asking from our Higher Power and that we don’t have to let something fester and grow into a major problem before we ask for help.

So, today I celebrate freedom from my bondage of self one day at a time. I am grateful for friends who understand and  join me in celebrating our collective freedom. Please comment and share your thoughts about escaping “self-imposed slavery.” May God bless and keep you.

Image courtesy of dan/ FreeDigitalPhotos.net

I’ve been visiting the Ram Dass Face Book site and web-site these past couple of days and have run into some ideas that blend right in with what I’ve recently heard spoken about around recovery tables. Most of what I’ve been reading is about the relationship between our ego and our fear. According to Ram Dass (accessed 11/7/13 at http://www.ramdass.org/a-tree-isnt-frightened/), before we form our ego identity through the process of living we are quite comfortable being a component of the universe. Then life teaches us we are a separate individual. It is that sense of being separate, that sense of “ego-uniqueness,” that is the basis of our fear. We are afraid of losing our vulnerable self and being swallowed up into the vast nothingness of the universe. When we are afraid of losing our sense of self—-that vulnerable identity we’ve spent a lifetime creating—-we feel afraid and threatened.  According to Ram Dass,  spiritual growth is focused on letting go of our fragile separate sense of self; when we are actually able to let go of “being somebody” and once again accept being a component of the universe we are freed from our fears.

On his Face Book site (accessed 11/7/13 at https://www.facebook.com/babaramdass)  he talks about trying to view people as trees so that you can accept people just as they are—-and on his website, on a seemingly unconnected tangent, he points out trees have no fear. But I think the two ways of viewing trees are connected— they are both ways of viewing our world (the world without and the world within). One has to do with how we view others and one has to do with how we view ourselves.

I have been carrying this whole “tree paradigm”  thing around in my head. I find it both confusing and fascinating. I think it is closely tied with accepting oneness with the universe and growing beyond the need to have separate identity. If one can do that, then it seems to me that all people would truly be viewed as equal. But then I have to turn that “pair of sunglasses” on my sense of self,  and  I realize I’m still not there because I have a bit of trouble consistently accepting myself as a “tree” (ego-less) or as a “universe component.” Perhaps the miracle is I am able to do it at all!

It’s a beautiful day outside this morning—-there’s a blue, blue sky (what I think of as “crisp blue” or almost “southwest sky blue”) sky, and everywhere you look there are trees dressed in brilliant shades of vibrant yellows, oranges, and reds. That makes it a good day to be a tree….and, if I can carry that image a bit further, were I a tree, I would soon lose my leaves and be just another leaf-less tree. Letting go of my “unique leaves”  would rob me of the last bit of “unique ego-self” I have left, and it would tend to bring me closer to being at one with the universe. When I “give up the ghost” of my terminal ego-centeredness, I am then free of fear. Then my new “I” will be reborn and leaf out in the spring. Maybe this all sounds like gibberish, but to me it is one of the ways God tells me that death and life are one and that I do not need to fear either as long as my soul keeps my connection with the Creator of both this Universe and eternity.

Please comment and share your thoughts about viewing the world in terms of “trees.” May God bless and keep you.

Image courtesy of dan/ FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Aromatization, aromatize, aroma. So much for conjugating a non-verb as if it were a verb! I think I have “aromatized” myself into a semiconscious relaxed stupor. Lavender relaxes and promotes sleep, and for three hours last night I inhaled  what I think of as “air of slumber”  (air infused with the scent of lavender)  after going to bed. I slept deeply. Now I can’t wake up. Maybe my mind is still not used to the “fall back” time switch we put ourselves through every fall, and maybe I am just relaxed. Serenity and relaxation are new concepts for me, and I often feel a wee bit “lost and wandering/wondering” when I am experiencing these states.

I am not complaining. I am just trying to learn to recognize and enjoy this feeling. It is different than the lethargy that sometimes accompanies depression. There is nothing sad or overwhelming about it. It is more like being semi-stuck in “being”—-just being with no particular emotion feathering through my thoughts. It is a bit like yesterday morning was on the drive to church.  Yesterday morning was a bright morning disguised in a heavy fog that let you see what you  needed to see but seemed to buffer everything else. Moments of beauty and clarity would stand out as you approached and passed a tree fully clothed in autumn splendor. Moments of gratitude came with the last minute ability to spot a traffic light ahead.  At other times,  a “spotlight” of God’s sunlight broke through the “cloud” that embraced everything and what would have otherwise been “normal reality” seemed just a bit surreal.

I have been exposed to excerpts from an ancient anonymous text called the “Cloud of Unknowing ,” and that may be part of what has triggered this type of unique yet not drug-induced perception I am experiencing. It feels more like a “cloud of acceptance”—-granted, I don’t “know”—— but I also don’t care because I am content to be in the moment.

In a short while I will need to combine a bit more “action” with my perception as I travel to the university to teach today’s class. So I am reaching for my morning drug of choice, caffeine, and starting to “wake-up” so I can be a bit more engaged by the time I walk through those portals of education. But this relaxed morning will go with me as I savor “what was” in my mind as I experience today. For that I am grateful. Perhaps I may be able to integrate my new way of perceiving into my “activities of daily living” just a bit better after this morning’s gift. I have learned to love the “Be Here Now” philosophy, but I need to learn how to fuse the “sit still” kind with the “active mindful” kind a bit better—-and today has been a step forward in this process of evolution.

Thank you for your patience in accompanying me through my “freely associated” thoughts this morning. Please comment and share any thoughts this exercise in abstract thinking might have triggered for you. May God keep and bless you.

Image courtesy of tiverylucky/ FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Today in a meeting a friend shared a Zen saying about meditation that went something like: “When you meditate,  you need to ‘sit’ your body, your breath, and your mind—-then your ego will ‘sit.'” Those of you who have been reading my blogs know I have trouble getting my “ego to sit.”  I am learning. These days I give myself permission spend some time “just sitting” every day. I’ve been working on the mind part in centering prayer for some time now and am making some progress. The newest tool I am working on adding to my repertoire is what I call “mindful breathing” intended to make me aware of my breathing and the fact that breath is a gift God gives repeatedly. That same breath connects me with God/Great Spirit.

But, of course, the part about getting my ego “to sit” has been a constant life time struggle for me. Most of the time the rug has to be pulled out from under my ego for it to finally give up, sit down, and let God step into the driver’s seat. Come to think of it, though, all my life, the majority of my “praying” has been when I am sitting or standing still praying. Some of those prayers, I am sure, have still been afflicted with a stubborn ego, but many have allowed my ego to sit—–at least for a moment or two. So, perhaps I’ve had a “start” on this concept of the “sit” concept since an early age when I was taught to pray.

I am hoping that now as my spirit grows and matures I can remember whenever I am anxious or in the midst of a problem that I need to be still, become aware of my breathing, and connect with God. As I wrote in yesterday’s blog (http://www.semissourian.com/blogs/farwell/entry/55712), whenever I stop trying to stubbornly handle things and/or solve problems all by myself and consent to connecting with God, things get handled and problems get solved. Again, I need to focus on consciously letting go of my ego’s stubborn need to “do it myself.” I also need to work on the concept of asking for and graciously receiving help from my friends as one means of allowing the God connection to work—–my ego takes a backseat when I ask for help and receive it.

Happy sitting! Please comment and share your thoughts about spiritual “sitting.” May God bless and keep you.

Image courtesy of Stuart Miles/ FreeDigitalPhotos.net

I’ve been doing a lot of reading this morning about how important it is to recognize those parts of me and my behavior that stand in the way of my spiritual growth. For the most part, I need to overcome false pride and fear. My false pride is manifested cause me to hang on to the myth that I can handle things myself in my own time and in my own way without having to ask for God’s help.

Fear and false pride combine to keep me from being willing to acknowledge what it is I am doing, not doing, or thinking that gets in the way of me turning things over to God—–or at least asking him for help.  Then there is the fear of what will happen if I let go of old familiar mental and behavioral habits that are comfortable and familiar. Will I be the same person? What will God replace that part of me with? As you can see, this type of fear centers around being afraid to trust God. The third type of fear that gets in the way of my spiritual growth is fear of being vulnerable. If I get change my old way of being and instead focus on developing habits driven by love for God and other humans, what will keep me from being hurt in the process? I’ve been hurt by opening my heart in and with love before, so why should I put myself in a vulnerable position again?

So to summarize, what is hindering my spiritual growth is false pride, a fear of the outcomes of allowing this transformation of self, and  a lack of trust of God and my fellow humans. Good thing I  don’t have to overcome those obstacles in one big and immediate “giant step.”  I know that it has been and will continue to be a process of honesty, openness, and willingness. What has changed the most at this point in my transformation is it has become easier to see the part I play in troublesome situations, to consciously let go of false-pride, and to trust God and God manifest in others involved in the situation so I can respond from a place of love rather than fear.  These growing abilities give me a growing sense of serenity—-one which lasts much longer time-wise than it did when I first started on this journey.

I am going to close by sharing  a story form “Drop the Rock:”

“The morning of the Friday I was going to speak, I was met at the back door of the college where I work. Two of my students were waiting for me with big grins on their faces and an air of secrecy. Part of an assignment I’d given them was to supply examples of poetry in action. They obviously felt they had a good one.

They led me in to my desk where a vase was sitting with a string attached, and floating above the vase was a big yellow balloon. It was a very nice looking arrangement, with a juxtaposition of balloon for flower in the composition. They had written a poem on the balloon. Both of the students were brimming with fun and confidence. Then they told me to pop the balloon.

I couldn’t. I hate to pop balloons! I hate the noise. It really bothers me to see a balloon pop. It scares me. Usually I let out a little screech when it happens. They handed me a hat pin and said, “Pop it.” They weren’t going to take no for an answer. Finally, I took the pin, put one hand over my ear, and closed my eyes. I lunged forward with the pin and heard the balloon pop.

I didn’t screech. I opened my eyes and saw an amazing sight. Concealed inside the now disintegrated balloon was a flower. I had no idea how they got it inside the balloon. I felt my eyes fill with tears of joy. At last I understood the Seventh Step. I am just like that balloon. I am so full of hot air that I am afraid to let God pop the balloon and let the flower out. My pride and fear keep me from discovering my own flower and the flowers of others. That night I shared my story with a roomful of grateful drunks and saw lots of flowers in the room. It was like being in God’s garden. I, too, am part of that garden” (P., Bill; W., Todd; S., Sara, 2009-06-03, Drop the Rock: Removing Character Defects – Steps Six and Seven, pp.73- 74, Hazelden Publishing. Kindle Edition).

I am going to keep this woman’s “flower image” in mind. It will help me willingly participate in the spiritual transformation process God is helping me make. Please comment and share your own thoughts about overcoming obstacles to spiritual change and growth in your own life. May God bless and keep you.

Image courtesy of digitalart/ FreeDigitalPhotos.net

“We grow spiritually much more by doing it wrong than by doing it right. That might just be the central message of how spiritual growth happens, yet nothing in us wants to believe it.”*

I would think this quote absurd if I had not lived it repeatedly in my own life and seen it repeated in others. This belief is one of the foundations of twelve step recovery. It is by “doing wrong” that alcoholics and addicts are driven to “hit bottom” by the consequences of their actions, and it is only by hitting bottom that they can admit defeat, surrender, turn to a higher power for help, and grow spiritually.  Mistakes or doing wrong can lead to the miracle of spiritual growth—and recovery for those of us who realize we need to recover.

Don’t get me wrong, you don’t have to be in a twelve step recovery program to experience the truth of what Rohr is saying in this quote. We all learn and grow from our mistakes——or we don’t, and we keep making them over and over again. The whole point is that our mistakes and imperfections either destroy us or help us find God and spiritual growth.  Mistakes and imperfections can and do serve a very noble purpose.

It is our false self, our “ego-centeredness” that demands we do everything perfectly and never make mistakes. This sort of expectation sets us up for disappointment, guilt, and self-hatred because it is impossible to attain. When I was finally able to admit my humanness and accept my mistakes and imperfections, I was able to “let go” of that false-pride and reach out for God’s hand that had been extended to me all along. Only then was I able to start growing spiritually.

Last night I was privileged to sit in an open 12 step meeting where people new to recovery gave voice to the pain of their suffering and the realization that it had brought them to this point, the point  of actively seeking spiritual growth and the help of a higher power. I have heard this discussed in meetings before, of course…..but often it seems superficial and as if people are just saying “the right words” rather than speaking them from the heart. Last night people spoke from their hearts, and the power of God’s love and healing was palpable in the room. It is in meetings like this that the words of “wee children” brand new to  recovery allow those present to feel, see, and hear the  miracle Rohr is talking about. It is as if the miracle materializes “before your very eyes” and lands  in your soul—-where it really matters. I am so grateful to be allowed to share moments like that; they renew my soul and my recovery.

Please comment and share your thoughts about the relationship between mistakes, imperfection, and spiritual growth. May God bless and keep you.

* Source for today’s quote: Richard Rohr’s Daily Meditation, “The Demand for the Perfect Is the Enemy of the Good, Meditation 23 of 51, Friday, Oct. 11, 2013, Adapted from Falling Upward: A Spirituality for the Two Halves of Life, p. xxii-xxiii.

Image courtesy of Victor Habbick/ FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Today at church this “mantra” kept going through my head, “More of thee, and less of me.” I realize it is my mind’s way of combining the lessons from yesterday’s centering prayer yoga lesson,  today’s Sunday school class, and today’s church sermon. Yes, this idea was planted, and it won’t go away. This mantra can mean more of others, more of God, more of Great Spirit—but not more of my self-serving ego.

I think what brought this idea to “prominence” in my internal dialogue today  is a story our rector told this morning when the Sunday school class was discussing the concept of heaven—what it is, if it has a specific location, etc. Someone had just commented, “I think hell is on earth. We make our own hell.” He responded by telling this story: “Once upon a time someone asked God to show him heaven and hell. God took him to a place where there was table after table lined up, piled  high with food and drink. People were sitting on both sides of the tables. They all had a stiff spoon permanently attached  to their arms from their shoulders down the whole length of their arms. This ‘wooden spoon splint’ made it impossible for the people to bend their elbows and feed themselves. They were hungry. They were starving. They were cursing. God told the man ‘this is hell.’Next,  God took him to another destination which, once again, was a huge space full of lined up tables, piled high with food and drink. Again, there were people seated on both sides who could not bend their arms because of the ‘wooden spoon’ splints on them. These people were smiling; they were happy. They were not hungry; they were not starving. They simply reached across the table and fed the people sitting across from them. God told the man “this is heaven.”

What I got out of this story is that we do indeed create our own heaven and hell. If we live our lives focused only on ourselves and meeting our own needs, we will never be happy. If, instead, we live our lives serving others we will be happy. My  new concept of heaven means living the Golden Rule and sharing God’s love. That means God can be everywhere, God is in each of us, and God’s love can and should be shared with others. It is only through the sharing of God’s love that we can be happy and create “heaven on earth”.

So, when I tell myself “more of thee and less of me” I mean “let me be filled with God’s love rather than self love;  and let me share God’s love with others. It is only by giving and sharing that I can truly receive and appreciate God’s blessings and help create heaven here on earth—-in me, around me, in you, and around you.

Please comment and share your thoughts about “heaven”—–is it a destination or a way of being and relating to others, here, now and always with God’s love?  I look forward to reading your comments as I think each of us has our own unique and different concept of what/where heaven is and what it means in our current and eternal lives. May God bless and keep you.

I have been trying to master a new crochet stitch/pattern since 8:30 AM this morning. There’s a reason they call how tight you hold the yarn when you are crocheting or knitting “tension.” Now, three hours later, I have to admit I am powerless over crocheting and my life is unmanageable. Surprise! I have to let go of it and come back to it later. In addition, I think I need to try to understand what is driving the obsession.?!

Is it false pride—wanting to create something new and beautiful that everyone will “ooooh….and ah……” over when I show it to them? It  cannot be that I need another scarf, hot pad, afghan, throw or shawl because I have already  made multiples of each. Maybe it is because I have started getting arthritis in my wrists and  hands and I am afraid it will eventually force me to have to give this addictive hobby up. Or maybe it is because I am procrastinating from going online at the government’s Medicare site to figure out what I need to do to be covered in a few months when I turn 65. The thought of going on any government Internet site is not one I welcome.

Usually, I crochet just because it is fun and provides a big dose of serotonin and serenity. Other times, like today, it feels driven and obsessive—–about as far away from serenity as I can get.  I look at the 8″X 5″ rectangular swatch I’ve made with this new pattern in the last  few hours and I have to admit it is pretty. But it is not perfect. I either have to decide it never will be so I can start enjoying myself again or I need to find another pattern that will not be so demanding.

That last paragraph has a bit of “life’s wisdom” in it. When I recognize something is creating tension and anxiety for me I need to step back and take a look at it. If I am making myself anxious because I expect perfection—now, and not in God’s time or maybe even without his help—then I need to change my expectations! I need to accept good and nice rather than perfect and awesome. I need to accept a “B” or a “C” rather than feeling like a failure if I cannot get an “A” or an “A+.”  I need to readjust my priorities and put God and God’s grace, love, and help first rather than my ego that wants to pride itself on something done perfectly, quickly, and without help.

So, this morning I made a pretty and functional dust rag. It can double as a wash rag. If all the stray ends from changing colors are not tucked neatly out of site or even if it starts unraveling—–it is still a good and useful tool. I am smiling and laughing now. That is a huge improvement over “tense crocheting!”

Please comment and share your thoughts about the part acceptance and changing expectations has played in an every-day situation in your life. May God bless and keep you.

Image courtesy of njaj/ FreeDigitalPhotos.net

I have a little book called “Daily Advice from the Heart” that contains meditations written by the Dalai Lama. Today I am going to share with you the one mediation in it that is always bookmarked:

“It is the very nature of desire to rise again ever more strongly, even after one thinks it has been satisfied. Whoever allows him or herself to be trapped by desire in this way is like a man dying of thirst who drinks a bowl of seawater: the more he drinks, the more thirsty he becomes.”

Dali Lama, 2001. 365 Dalai Lama Daily Advice from the Heart: Inspiring new teachings, p. 245, Paris: Presses de la Renaissance.

This very wise man’s words reminds me of Alcoholics Anonymous’ (AA) saying, in terms of the number of drinks one drinks that “One is too many and a thousand is not enough.” I keep my bookmark at this quote because it so aptly describes my own experience. For me it can be one drink, one potato chip, one slice of homemade bread, one computer game, etc. Obviously, desire has been an issue in my life. I like this quote because it lets me identify with the human condition rather than with “having a disease.”

When I look at my “addictive personality” with  this pair of sunglasses on, I can begin to see that all along my problem has been about desire, or to put it in a term I am more familiar with, about expectations. If I expect some object, person, place, or thing to “fill up the empty” I will never be able to get enough.

It is only in these last few years that I have begun to understand that I’ve never been empty—-that what I needed to feel “whole” or “okay” was already within me; I was born with it. I just forgot how to tap into the mystery. What am I talking about? Well, for me, my understanding is that God, Creator, Spirit, etc. installed a bit of “God-Creator-Spirit” essence in me when I was formed in my mother’s womb. What I’ve been learning to do these last couple of years is to still my mind, or, as a friend of mine tells me, to “tell the committee to shut up” so I can be aware of that “mystery essence” that is part of me and every human. Once I am able to tap into the mystery and realize the ultimate reality is my oneness with God-Creator-Spirit” and all of Creation, it no longer feels like I have a void that is screaming to be filled.

It seems ironic to me that what I have been searching for all these years has always been a part of me . However, as discussed in previous blog entries, there are those that think we need our life experiences to teach us and give us the maturity needed to appreciate and own the spirit part of ourselves. Others believe, too, that we need to experience suffering for our egos to allow us to give up, ask for help, and, in receiving it, align with the spiritual essence of life.

When I am honest, the “how and why” of it are not as important as how I apply this insight in my daily life. If I am not careful my ego will stop being so cooperative, start building itself up again, and block out my “spirit connection.” Before long my ego will start to feel in control and, as a consequence, need to “feed that sense of control” with a variety of desires. When my ego and control desires are allowed to dictate my thoughts and actions, it is not long until I consider searching in the wrong places to “feel full” again. It seems like I repeatedly have to go through this pattern. However, the “ego run riot” segments of my reality are admittedly fewer, shorter, and further between, and for this I am grateful.

Please comment and share your thoughts about the role desire has played in your life. May God bless and keep you.