Archives for posts with tag: God

Remodeling Myself

January 16, 2014 //

Image courtesy of sattva/ FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Last night at a book study we were talking about what it means to turn our will and our lives over to the care of our Higher Power as AA’s Big Book instructs those who wish to remain in recovery to do. The group seemed to unanimously agree that it did not mean you turn everything over to God and then just sit there waiting for him to do everything. After all, we are humans who were given the gift of choice by God, and, consequently, that makes us accountable for our choices, actions, and the subsequent consequences that occur. As a group, we agreed that when we let God’s spirit empower us we still have to do the footwork.

There are always, at least for me, a committee of rebellious “naysayers” having a debate in my head during conversations like this. One is saying, “Yeah, right. If I give up my life and my will nothing will be left.” Another is saying, “I gave up alcohol, cigarettes, compulsive eating,……why is it always about giving something up?” Another is saying, “Yippee! Go for it! Let God run things, then you can do anything you want because it will really be God doing it—-anything you do will be God’s will.”

I could go on, but listening to my mind’s “committee meetings” can be tedious at best. Instead, I would like to try to answer my committee. I realize I will be defending my beliefs, much as I had to when I defended my doctoral dissertation to my dissertation committee when I was in graduate school. First, every time I have given something up, my God has given me much, much more in return. Relief, serenity, peace of mind—–all of these are inherent in realizing I no longer have to control everything and that it is unrealistic for me to expect to be able to do so. What has been left for me at those times when I have voluntarily turned something over to my Higher Power is a strong faith that provides fertile ground for the growth of my emerging, evolving spirit. When I continue to let God be in control things go well—-or at least I am, with God’s help, able to handle whatever comes my way. However, when I “take back” whatever I’ve turned over to God, things start building up into problems yet again. And again. Someday I hope to leave things in God’s hands permanently, and I am encouraged by the fact that I can now go for longer and longer periods without rebelling against the way “God is driving the bus.”

This brings me to the second question, why is it always about giving something up? For me, the answer is because I have spent a life time building an identity/ego that defines, in my mind, who I am. My inclination is to hold onto that identity tenaciously, no matter what. So naturally, I am reluctant to let go of anything that I feel is necessary to “stay who I am.” Again, in my case, many of the “blocks” I have used to build my identity are faulty. These faulty “blocks” cause continual problems for me, yet I hang on to them because I think I will not be me without them. For the sake of brevity, I have found that I have to let go of these faulty blocks gradually over time, and sometimes I have to do so more than once. For me, it is about “giving something up” because I need to do so to not only survive but to build a better life. The good news is, I really like the new “me” who is evolving because this new identity realizes it is not all about me—-that it is about God’s love and sharing it.

And to the last committee member that thinks turning things over to God offers an invitation to “party hardy” I have to say, “In all due respect, Mr. Committee Party Man, you are a remnant of my ‘stinking thinking’ that got me into most of my life’s messes in the first place. I am still accountable for how I do the footwork and carry out God’s will—-and if I start practicing my old bad habits yet again, it only means I have purposively divorced myself from God’s guidance and help.” Perhaps this response is a bit harsh, but this is the point where I need to be hard on myself. I seem to think I can turn things over to God and take back bits and pieces of what I’ve turned over because “I’m better, I’ve changed, things are different now, and now I can handle it.” This is the type of thinking that always brings me back to being enmeshed in self-created problems.

Wow! I did not mean to write for so long this morning. If you have stayed with me and plowed through all this, I thank you. May God bless and keep you.

Tags acceptance, addictive behavior, character defect, expectations, God, self-will, surrender

Categories recovery, Spirituality

Seizing the Moment

January 15, 2014 //

Image courtesy of coward_lion/ FreeDigitalPhotos.net

I had an interesting experience this morning. I had my annual mammogram; I always expect the painful squeezing to be the hardest part of this annual experience. However, this morning my problem was breathing. The person operating the machinery would tell me with no advanced warning to ” stand still, don’t breathe.” Then I would have to hold my breath for what seemed like a long time before I was told to “breathe, stand still, and don’t breathe” in quick succession. This hardly gave me time to take a deep breath in to fuel my body’s oxygen needs between the two long “don’t breathe” episodes. This procedure was repeated five or six times before my “ordeal” was finished. I remember holding my breath, holding and trying to concentrate on God within, on a painting on the wall, on a pleasant memory—-on anything but my clamoring need to breathe.

With those efforts came the realization that since I had turned my life and my will over to God this morning, God was in charge and handling things. I had to remind myself God had created my body, and “pre-programmed automatic breathing” would take over before I became unconscious. Thinking about God’s place in my life, in my quiet core within and in all of creation, helped me tolerate those close to panic filled moments . Once I was able to breathe I released prayers of gratitude that I was not suffering from asthma, bronchitis, or any other respiratory ailment as so many do——otherwise I would have been medically compromised during this procedure.

Once again a rather mundane and “ordinary” situation reinforced, for me, one of the hardest lessons I have had to learn, and one that I keep needing to re-learn or refresh on a regular basis. Basically, I have to voluntarily trust God, my creator to help me handle whatever happens be it “ordinary” or “emergent.” Whatever happens to me, I am not facing it alone. In my act of seeking and accepting Gods love by turning my will and my life over to him I am acknowledging and allowing Spirit to be my co-pilot for absolutely everything. I have also learned to ask myself, whatever the situation is, what God wanted me to learn from that situation. The result has been, for me, very conducive to my own spiritual growth. May God bless and keep you.

Tags acceptance, breathing, Creator, God

Categories Spirituality

Feeding One’s Soul

January 12, 2014 //

Image courtesy of -Marcus-/ FreeDigitalPhotos.net

I just saw a commercial where the narrator was proclaiming not only could you get 2X the points for using his company’s credit card, but, if you did, then you could either eat or buy something that would “wake up your soul.” Unfortunately, I hadn’t been listening that closely, so I am not sure if the verb was “eat” or “buy.” It was a restaurant scene, so it probably was “eat.” Then, again, I may have heard “eat” because I have started a healthy eating regimen again . One where I turn my will and my life in regards to what I eat over to my Higher Power as I understand him. Put another way, it is a way of eating that is a gift from God that allows me to honor and care for my body as a temple/instrument meant to worship him and carry out his will on earth. Either way, my false self is feeling a wee bit neglected and miffed about no longer being in control of my eating. My true self, however, is celebrating. I don’t know if anyone else out there ever feels guilty for eating what you want to when you want until you are able to determine you are setting up problems for your body, but it is an immense relief to let that guilt/shame go and to feel “happy, joyous, and free” (term from AA’s Big Book) in regards to freedom from the bondage of compulsive eating.

I actually did not start to type this morning in order to tell you about using the 12 steps to combat compulsive eating. What I really want to focus on is how ludicrous the idea is that you can eat something that will wake up your soul—–or even buy something that will. The concept of a major credit card company “going spiritual” is an excellent example of cognitive dissonance until you realize the God credit cards “worship” is money. Money and what it can buy does not wake up one’s soul. At least, it has not awakened mine. My “wake up calls” have all come from God. I am talking about the ones that had to practically “hit me over the head” before I noticed them and responded in a healthy way. And getting to the point that I was able to register the precarious position I had put myself in was, in retrospect, a very dangerous and self-destructive process. Thankfully, I have started learning to be aware of and to heed the “still small” voice within that comes from my spiritual relationship more effectively, and I no longer have to endanger myself before I am able to comprehend and respond to it.

I want to take a moment to try to relate what sorts of things I do think “wake up” my soul, a soul that is, thankfully, no longer buried in addiction. First, there is the joy of experiencing God’s creation. Then, there are the blessings associated with the wonderful relationships God has given me with others that not only help wake my soul but keep it awake. These are found in my church, my step study groups, my 12 step groups, my prayer groups, and in close, caring relationships with dear friends. Mediation, studying God’s word, reading spiritual writings, hugging my dogs, telling my father and my sister’s I love them when we talk on the phone,—–these are all examples of some of the wonderful gifts that wake, feed, and nourish my soul.

I had to think longer than an Episcopalian should before I could come up with an example of what one could possibly eat that would wake one’s soul. Then I remembered the strong spiritual connection I feel when I am administered the bread and wine that represent Jesus. At that magical moment I literally become one with the body of Christ——and my soul is awakened and empowered to go forth and share God’s love with others. I think through all my years of compulsive eating I was probably searching for that one food that could wake my soul. I am thankful I no longer have to do so. May God bless and keep you.

Tags addiction, compulsive eating, God, Love, prayer, soul

Categories recovery, Spirituality

Finding Solace

January 10, 2014 //

Image courtesy of dexchao/ FreeDigitalPhotos.net

I don’t know if it is the new year, the recent extreme cold, the gray over-cast rainy day, or just the roving thoughts of a restless mind, but I find myself wondering this afternoon about where I find hope, comfort, and reassurance in my life. Granted, I am more self-validated than ever before, but, as does any human, I do need intermittent reassurance and comfort from a source other than myself.

I know in times of extreme duress I have found comfort in gazing at God’s creation. For example, on 9/11 I was in a hotel room in Canada with a bunch of women who served on an International Board of Directors with me. We had all rushed to a room where we could watch television and comfort each other when our meeting was interrupted by the news that the twin towers had been intentionally flown into by a plane filled with passengers. Several of the women were from the New York area. There were expressions of numbness, disbelief, and shock mirrored in the faces that surrounded me. I could not comfort these women or myself, for that matter.

I found myself looking out the window down at Niagara Falls. At that moment, I knew God had created this world and all the wonders in it, including myself and these women. I thought of all the trauma, war, pain, beauty, awe, and joy these falls had witnessed and survived over time, and I was comforted. I knew, awful as it was, this time would pass and that, come what may, God would be with us. We would and did comfort each other then and in the days to come, but God was the first to comfort me, and I am sure many in that room were also comforted by God in those harrowing moments.

What does this have to do with where I find my current source of hope, reassurance and comfort? Well, if God is so strongly with me in times of crisis, I know he is with me always. All I have to do to tap into that well of comforting love is to be aware of it and consent to letting it enfold me. I am learning to do this in prayer, and I am delighted that I think this practice is beginning to contaminate other parts of my daily living that are not focused on intentional prayer. God’s love is always there, always comforting, and all powerful. In my life, I have been the only thing standing in the way blocking my ability to access that love.

I am learning, even when engaged in simple tasks such as washing dishes or doing laundry, to turn my thoughts away from how I can solve problems or do something all by myself and to redirect my thoughts to a more receptive “channel” that will let me acknowledge and accept God’s love and intention for me. It is very pleasant to be enfolded in God’s love and reassured that I am where I am supposed to be doing what I am supposed to do—–even when I am “caught up in the mundane.” Ironically, when my soul, mind, and heart are in the “right place” and “right sized” there is no “mundane.” There is only God’s creation, love, and intent, and just “being” in a situation where my self-centered thoughts are quieted and redirected to God’s love is nothing short of a miracle.

Enjoy our melted ice and falling rain today. I am even looking forward to thunder in January. May God bless and keep you.

Tags comfort, God, prayer, reassurance

Categories love, peace, Spirituality

Trusting God’s Agenda

January 7, 2014 //

Image courtesy of Stuart Miles/ FreeDigitalPhotos.net

I seem to be fixated on the concept of happiness and what different sources suggest makes being happy possible. Today, from two different sources, I read about how expectations can lead to frustration (accessed 1/7/14 @ http://www.ramdass.org/when-emotion-overtakes-you/) and that if we are ever going to be able to be truly happy we will need to learn to tolerate not being in control and unable to predict outcomes (accessed 1/7/14 at: http://tinybuddha.com/blog/accepting-uncertainty-can-happy-without-answers/). To me, that sounds very similar to the phrase I hear so often around recovery tables, i.e., “accepting life on life’s terms.”

I am fortunate in that my life experiences have forced me over and over again to realize I cannot control or predict anything. AA’s “Big Book” says all I really need pray for is knowledge of God’s will and the power to carry it out. That philosophy makes it very clear that I am never in control and that God is. It is surprising how comfortable and serene I feel when I am able to actually follow this advice. It is not that this prayer automatically solves all my problems. To the contrary, it works because I trust God’s grace and wisdom to influence any situation in such a way that it is “right sized” and open to God’s intervention. Given the limitations of my human understanding and vision, I may not be able to ascertain whether evolving solutions and outcomes are or will be positive. Again, I have to trust my Higher Power’s wisdom which is infinite and can accurately comprehend the “big picture” in a reality not limited by time, space, or intellect.

Please don’t get the idea that I sit around doing nothing just waiting for God’s will to unfold. I actually have to become a conduit for his divine energy and wisdom. I become his tool. This means I need to remain open to doing his work and actively involved in doing it. I often tell those I work with that myself, my attitude, and my actions are the “light switch” that allows God’s will to manifest in this reality. I have to do the work of turning the light switch on so God’s energy, wisdom, grace, and love can be released.

Well, now you have my philosophy regarding what actually creates and maintains “happiness.” Basically, I think it comes down to my attitude. If I don’t get de-railed into self-centered thoughts, actions, and anxieties by consciously or unconsciously trying to take control back from my Higher Power I’ll stay happy. If I don’t question his way of doing things I will be happy. If I don’t question his agenda I will be happy. Succinctly put, if I trust God I will be more than happy. I will be grateful, and, hopefully, I will be sharing these personal positive outcomes with others. May God bless and keep you.

Tags acceptance, God, happy, prayer, trust

Categories recovery, Spirituality

Open-Ended Hoping

January 4, 2014 //

Image courtesy of Joshua Burgard

Today has given me the magical gift of a wonderful centering prayer experience that occurred within the context of a community of well loved and trusted friends. My first thought from that experience that I want to write about is the beginning thought I had as I entered the sacred prayer space by focusing on my breathing. I realized I was breathing God’s spirit and love in, feeling it spread throughout my body, and then breathing God’s spirit and love back out into “community.” Then I realized my soul floats on every breath, and when I take my last breath it will float out on the last breath I release into a new “community of existence” contained within the embrace of God’s love. With that image of death I was able to release some of the fear I have surrounding my father’s aging process as well as my own. My father’s soul will be released into the spiritual realm of “breath” in the embrace of God’s love when he releases his last breath—-and, in eternity, my soul will reunited with his .

The second major “insight” that came from today’s centering prayer experience happened because I was somewhat successful in quieting my “committee meeting” of random thoughts that always compete for my attention when I am involved in centering prayer. As a result, and quite unexpectedly, during my prayer time the visual image of a word came out of the darkness and moved towards me in my mind’s eye. That word was hope. I am certain it was God’s way of telling me to not forget to “hope.” I am not one who is used to experiencing free-floating hope. I generally attach my thoughts of hope onto a particular outcome, like ” I hope we don’t get the ice and snow our winter warning is telling us is on the way” or “I hope this upcoming semester will be a pleasant one for me and my students.

The skill of open-ended hoping is something I seemed to have lost somewhere between my childhood and now. I am going to make a conscientious effort to take a deep breath and remind myself to “hope” several times during today and the next few days. I am going to try practicing the skill of open-ended hoping. Yes, I still hope and pray for peace, and I still hope love will overcome evil. In other words, I still have specific hopes. However, I think God was reminding me this morning that I need to strengthen my soul’s well-being by making a paradigm shift from a intermittently hopeful outlook or attitude to one that is consistently hopeful.

For me, my life outcomes are strongly associated with my expectations. My mind is a powerful thing, and whatever I feed my “mind energy” into is often likely to happen. For instance, when I was in the second grade our county health nurse would visit our small rural school room periodically in order to keep us all up to date on our immunizations. I quickly learned that if you had a temperature she would not give you any shots. I usually managed to “think” my way into having a slight temperature elevation by the time she got around to me. Looking back on that, I realize what I took for granted was actually a pretty impressive accomplishment because my normal temperature is always considerably lower than what is considered “normal.”

So, I am entering this new year with an expectation or attitude of open-ended hope. Developing or renewing this skill will be an expression of the level of trust I have in God’s love. I hope that this open-ended hope based on trusting God is a concept my readers will find helpful. May God bless and keep you.

Tags centering prayer, God, hope, Love

Categories Spirituality

Accepting Moderation

December 29, 2013 //

Image courtesy of Stuart Miles/ FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Just heard a commercial on television for a movie where the narrator announces “moderation is for cowards.” Finally, I have it on good authority I am not a coward! Somehow that still doesn’t make my “nothing in moderation” memories any easier to bear. Now, I am watching a re-run of a Law and Order Special Victims Unit episode about alcoholism and blackouts. The attorney who was an alcoholic basher has to face her own alcoholism in this episode, and the defendant who got off on a miss-trial has to live with the knowledge he’ll never know if he killed a stranger during a blackout or not. An expert during the trial testified about evidence supporting the fact that alcoholism is a neurological disease.

As for my other “main addiction,” compulsive eating, not being a coward doesn’t make it any easier to live with trigger foods, food cravings, and binge eating or addictive dieting/exercise. There is probably a neuro-biological justification for that “condition” also. With alcohol, you can stop drinking. With food, you have to eat to stay alive.

I am not going to make any New Year’s resolutions about any of this because the only reprieve I have is a daily gift from my Higher Power. My addictions are what they are. Thank heaven the solution is what it is for both of them. God does do for me what I cannot do for myself. Even with these gifts those of us in recovery have to live in reality; we don’t automatically live happily ever after—-nor does anyone, for that matter. Those of us in recovery are often well acquainted with depression. Many times we have residual physical problems left over to remind us of previous excesses. Sometimes we cross-addict to something else that eventually kills us; many in recovery die from problems associated with smoking——an addiction that, compared to alcoholism, can seem relatively safe.

Where am I going with this? I am not sure. I am presently “recovering” and recuperating from my drive back home after spending Christmas with family. What used to be an enjoyable experience I looked forward to, driving to and from my father’s house, is now a major challenge. The trip back took two hours more than it should have. Seven hours became nine hours. Emergent GI problems which necessitated multiple stops along the way and painful arthritic wrists added to the challenge. I am grateful to have arrived home, and I am working on accepting my mind, body, and eyesight (after dark driving with beginning level cataracts is the pits!) are all altering as I age.

I am grateful for God giving me almost an entire year without having to be hospitalized. Even though medical experts cannot explain my reoccurring partial small bowel blockages, this year has taught me stress plays a big role in contributing to them. I have consciously tried to avoid as much stress as I can since my last hospitalization, and I think limiting my driving trips to my father’s and back to only two trips this year has probably helped me do so along with all the other changes I have instituted in my life such as deep breathing, centering prayer, meditation, lavender-based aroma therapy, and just “saying no” to being over-extended .

The time spent with my almost 92 year old father was a true gift from God, and I thank Creator for giving me the special time I was able to share with him. I would not have missed it for the world. I think I am starting to realize I am becoming a coward. I am learning moderation in some things. Sometimes I do so kicking and screaming, sometimes I am a bit more receptive.

As we approach the New Year I ask Creator to continue to help me accept moderation on an as-needed basis, and for all my friends who can still celebrate seeing the New Year in with the help of alcoholic beverages, I pray that Creator also gives you the gift of moderation or a designated driver to see you safely home. God bless and keep you.

Tags addiction, alcoholism, compulsive eating, Creator, God, moderation, recovery

Categories recovery, Spirituality

Beware the Shopping Carts!

December 23, 2013 //

Image courtesy of Salvatore Vuono/ FreeDigitalPhotos.net

I went smile hunting today. You know, last minute Christmas grocery shopping. Had to park out close to Kingshighway at Schnucks. Smiled at people as I was going into the store and they were coming out. They all looked serious and determined to get to their cars without smiling. I almost felt like I was back in New York City when I was there on a youth outing back in the ’60s—–a place where I quickly learned strangers didn’t smile back at you.

When I got in the store, I had to navigate through all the traffic. There were slow movers, dead stand still shoppers, speed through the traffic with no heed to bumping others shoppers, and people like me who would wait courteously and smile. A few smiled back, and that felt good. The friendliest smile of all, was that of the man shaking the bell and collecting money for the Salvation Army. His smile was warm and genuine regardless of whether donated to his red bucket or not. Another man was sitting at a table in the deli area, and he actually initiated a friendly conversation with me. Like me, I think he was aware of and responsive to the people around him.

The “ask attendant for help” guy in the self-checkout area was also friendly and helpful. Good thing, because that is where the shortest lines were. Simply put, the aisles throughout the store were chaotic. I think the fast movers who ignored everyone else in the store could actually be dangerous for an older person unsteady on his or her feet. The overall “ambiance” reminded me of the “help, it’s going to snow and I have to get groceries” crowd—-only this crowd, for the most part, seemed less friendly. By the time I was finally escape to outside, I still smiled at people—-only it was harder, and I understood the “shell-shock” type affects I had encountered earlier on my way into the store.

Where am I going with all this? I don’t really know except to say I am certain this mad and determined grocery driven rush I encountered while shopping both inside the store and in the crowded, car honking-filled parking lot when I tried to navigate my escape home is not what God had in mind when Jesus was born to Mary and Joseph so long ago. I am sorry to say I succumbed to some of the “bad vibes” and found myself thinking a few “bad words” or phrases once or twice. Thankfully, I was able to redirect myself with a chuckle and the thought, “better watch it, or you’ll become like all the other ‘Grinches’ and ‘Scrooges’ roaming the aisles!”

It wasn’t until I got home, unpacked, and put away my groceries that I was able to sit down, take a deep breath, and realize, that with that intake of air I was once again attuned to the God within that loves us all. The feeling of quiet serenity that comes with prayer and “being” with God in relationship was a welcome relief, and I am very grateful for that gift. It can’t be found in crowded stores, or anywhere else , as far as that goes, unless one consciously seeks it out.

I want to close by thanking God for being there and allowing me to feel his spirit regardless of where I am or what I am doing. I am also asking him to help me get better at it in crowded, busy places where I can sometimes forget to acknowledge, accept, and welcome his presence. My God bless and keep you.

Tags Christmas, God, shopping, smiles

Categories Spirituality

Butterfly Wings

December 15, 2013 //

Image courtesy of thawats/ FreeDigitalPhotos.net

I realized as I listened to the sermon in church this morning that a good deal of my life has been spent on spiritual waiting. In terms of my own spiritual development, God has been doing most of the waiting for me to realize, begin to understand, and begin to accept the gift of immeasurable love that has always been waiting for me.

In regards to my career, I realized most of what I have done as a psychiatric nurse and professor has been to plant seeds. I realized that the majority of my professional time has actually been spent practicing spiritual waiting for the seeds to grow in God’s time following God’s plan rather than my own.

I realized I spent most of yesterday worrying about two friends, one who is suffering from depression and the other from addiction relapse. I know intellectually I cannot “fix” their situations, but that doesn’t keep me from wanting things to be better for them. I have to accept my role as a supportive friend is one of spiritual waiting. I can offer human caring and support, but the active healing process for both friends is between them and the God of their choosing. I can suggest tools, options, and opinions—-but it is up to each individual to make his or her own decisions and to travel his or her own spiritual pathway.

During the sermon (I still use the old “protestant terms” I grew up with; my apologies to my Episcopalian friends and colleagues) the priest also talked about passion and the different meanings that concept can have. The one we are most familiar with is the one that has to do with strong emotions and/or lust. We are also familiar with having intense passion for specific activities or objects. An example of the latter, would be my newly found passion of trying to communicate my spiritual journey and thoughts in written words.

Then, there is the religious meaning associated with Christ’s death. At this point that the sermon went into new territory for me. It seems Christ’s passion was not only the suffering type most often alluded to in sermons. It was also composed of two other variants of passion. One type of passion occurs when one is powerless and cannot control what is happening to him or her. Twelve step recovery has taught me quite a bit about that one—–as has being a patient at Barnes Jewish Hospital numerous times. I have thought about Christ’s painful suffering, but never of Christ being unable to control what happened immediately prior to and during his crucifixion. The fact that Jesus was incarnated in human form would support that his human form was powerless and could not control what was happening. I will be doing some extensive thinking about this variant.

The last variant discussed in terms of Christ’s passion was that having to do with the “handing over” of something. It seems that the word betrayal can also mean handing over….as Christ was by Judas prior to his crucifixion. The priest also implied that Christ “handed over” his spirit to God when he said, “It is finished.” For the first time ever, I realized perhaps betrayal is necessary for positive outcomes to occur. With that thought came the realization that what I had always considered a negative betrayal prior to my last divorce was instead the impetus for a good deal of spiritual growth which otherwise might not have occurred. It forced me to turn my life and my will over to the care of God as I understood him. I have been learning to fly as a free spirit of God. I have had many lessons to strengthen my “butterfly wings.” At that moment in church this morning, a small kernel of gratitude was planted in my heart. I am finally able to fully release the hurt and truly forgive the one who betrayed me because he actually set me free.

Tags betrayal, butterfly, Christ, forgiveness, God, passion

Categories recovery, Spirituality

The Door Opens…..

December 14, 2013 //

Photograph compliments of Joshua Burgard

Today a small personal miracle occurred. I found my “sacred word”—–one that is very powerful for me and one I will only use within the context of centering prayer (CP). Just thinking this word brings me almost instant relaxation and a sense of well being—-of being safe in oneness with Creator. I am not saying this word will always do that, but today it did. I am grateful.

This morning when I used this word in our 11th Step Centering Prayer group it felt like I had found my way home and God was there greeting me with a big bear hug full of unspeakable love. It wasn’t an “aha” moment or even an epiphany. It was, however, a wonderful gift to have finally found my own personal shortcut to feeling intimately loved in the present presence of God.

To speak about my experience in too much detail detracts from its magic and the depth of its meaning, so I will stop trying to explain. Instead of wondering how and why, I choose to accept this gift with the faith of a child. This gift of relationship with Creator in the present moment just is.

Image courtesy of vectorolie/ FreeDigitalPhotos.net

It is like waiting up on Christmas Eve hoping to finally catch a glimpse of Santa Claus and finally encountering him for real 61 years later. I have had previous “moments of encounter” before, but they were not initiated by my intentional voluntarily consent, surrender, and acceptance. One was drug initiated back in the 60s, and the others have been crisis initiated. Those encounters were just as real, and they were also awe-inspiring. But knowing that I now have a way to let myself be caught up in the magic whenever I want without having to experience a crisis or swallow a hallucinogen is a very exciting discovery.

Enough blathering. I tend to do that when I am excited about something. I hope this Saturday is being good to you. May God bless and keep you.

Tags centering prayer, Creator, God, Love

Categories Spirituality, Uncategorized