Archives for category: recovery

Love Overcomes Hurt

January 18, 2014 //

Image courtesy of Somchai Som/ FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Today, during a guided imagery session, my Higher Power made me aware of a couple of insights. One is my Higher Power’s love is always there, has always been there, and will always be there—-even if I have been hurtful to myself or others in the past. But the newest insight for me, the one that really got my attention, was I am able to feel and express that same type of love for those I love in spite of any hurts, real or imagined, that I believe I have suffered at their hand. Thus, the important lesson I came away from today’s session with is this: Our love for someone is strong enough to withstand the hurt we attribute to that person, just as God’s love is strong enough to withstand the things I have done that I am sure have hurt him.

I’m not talking trivial, little transgressions here. The person I love and chose to bring into today’s imagery session had, when I was a child, tied our family dog to the back of our school bus and had the bus driver drive away so the dog would be dragged behind the bus; the rationale for doing this was to teach the dog not to chase the school bus so he would avoid getting run over in the future. That same person slapped me at the dinner table in front of company and at another time picked me up by one arm while swatting my “behind” with his other hand—- I literally became a human pendulum swinging back and forth between blows. Remembering those instances of hurt I experienced as a child brought unbidden tears to my eyes—even after all this time. And then I knew that some of the things I have done in the past like driving while intoxicated, practicing addictive behaviors, and engaging in what at the time was called “free love” must have hurt my Higher Power just as deeply as those childhood memories that are embedded in my soul. Then I felt the blessed relief of knowing my Higher Power loves me anyway—-just as I love the person who psychologically and physically hurt me as a child. Those embedded hurts no longer have the power to block the love I have for the person who hurt me. Love is stronger than the hurt.

My writing today is relatively short. Conversely, however, the message “love is stronger than the hurt” is a momentous one for me. Now when I think of perceived hurtful events in my life I can stop investing energy in resenting those instances. I can, instead, focus on the love God shares with me and all of us that overlooks and overcomes the hurt. Resentment will never again have the power over me that it has had in the past. To be honest, I don’t yet trust that the resentments I have “nurtured” during my life time to entirely go away, but I know that now I can overcome the hurt and resentment by focusing on the love I have been given as a gift by my Higher Power. And for this I am grateful.

Tags addiction, addictive behavior, centering prayer, God, Higher Power, hurt, Love, resentment

Categories Contemplative Prayer, recovery, Spirituality

Teaching the Teacher

January 17, 2014 //

“If I’m not appreciated, that’s your problem that you don’t appreciate me. Unless I need your love, then it’s my problem. So my needs are what are giving you the power over me. Those people’s power over you to take you out of your equanimity and love and consciousness has to do with your own attachments and clingings of mind. That’s your work on yourself, that’s where you need to meditate more, it’s where you need to reflect more, it’s where you need a deeper philosophical framework, it’s where you need to cultivate the witness more, it’s where you need to work on practicing opening your heart more in circumstances that aren’t optimum. This is your work. ”

accessed 1/17/14 at: http://www.ramdass.org/a-heavy-curriculum/

Well, this quote woke me up this morning! I’ve talked about self-validation vs. co-dependency for years, but that’s become old hat to me, and those words do not offer any thing new my mind and soul can use. Those words are about insight; they are not about action. Ram Dass’ words are about action, or at least that is where they lead my thoughts.

My own needs are what I need to work on—-the thing I need to think about, meditate about, detach and distance myself from by realizing my self worth comes from within and from Creator. If I am doing anything for the purpose of winning praise, recognition, or gratitude from another, then my motives are way off base. What Dass calls my “witness” needs to objectively observe my thoughts and actions so I can begin to be aware of doing this. I cannot change something if I am not aware of it.

Here’s an example from something I was involved in yesterday afternoon that shows me Ram Dass is probably right. I was teaching a crafts class in which three people were learning how to crochet. I had planned to first teach them to read the pattern, then how to do the chain stitch, and, finally, how to do a double stitch—-the only two stitches used to make the scarf that had been selected as a class project. I thought it would take about 10 minutes to teach them to read a pattern, and about 10 minutes of practice for each stitch.

Things didn’t happen the way I expected. There is much more to crocheting than saying, “this is the stitch, this is what it is called, and this is how you do it.” There were a multitude of nuances left out of both the printed instructions that were provided and the verbal and visual instructions I was providing. It seems that I have been crocheting so long that I’d forgotten many of the “little steps” that are part of the “bigger steps.” All of the sudden things were not going like clockwork, and I had a room full of confused and anxious people. Together we started breaking the process down into the “mini-steps” necessary in these two basic stitches. Things started working better, but things were still not going well.

Finally, a voice of reason was heard from across the room saying, “Why don’t we make the scarf with just the one single stitch?” I am so grateful that my friend was there to “witness objectively” what was going on and to make that suggestion. When we did that, the whole room relaxed. Where there had been stress and performance anxiety, there was now more self-acceptance and less tension. Instead of frowns and throwing things down in exasperation, there were smiles and laughter. The class had become “we” instead of being divided into expert and novice. My own thoughts were no longer as focused on feeling like a failure as a teacher. Slowly I let go of my need to be a “good teacher” and became, instead, a empathetic facilitator. My “needs” got out of the way—-and when that happened, people who had never crocheted began to crochet.

The lesson I learned yesterday was whenever I am feeling anxious to try to detach from the emotions I am feeling so I can “witness” what is happening—-then my perception will not be as distorted by my own needs. It sounds simple, but I know it will take lots of work to develop awareness and healthy detachment. I am grateful to have taken this first step of acceptance. May God bless and keep you.

Tags acceptance, character defect, expectations

Categories peace, recovery, Spirituality

Remodeling Myself

January 16, 2014 //

Image courtesy of sattva/ FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Last night at a book study we were talking about what it means to turn our will and our lives over to the care of our Higher Power as AA’s Big Book instructs those who wish to remain in recovery to do. The group seemed to unanimously agree that it did not mean you turn everything over to God and then just sit there waiting for him to do everything. After all, we are humans who were given the gift of choice by God, and, consequently, that makes us accountable for our choices, actions, and the subsequent consequences that occur. As a group, we agreed that when we let God’s spirit empower us we still have to do the footwork.

There are always, at least for me, a committee of rebellious “naysayers” having a debate in my head during conversations like this. One is saying, “Yeah, right. If I give up my life and my will nothing will be left.” Another is saying, “I gave up alcohol, cigarettes, compulsive eating,……why is it always about giving something up?” Another is saying, “Yippee! Go for it! Let God run things, then you can do anything you want because it will really be God doing it—-anything you do will be God’s will.”

I could go on, but listening to my mind’s “committee meetings” can be tedious at best. Instead, I would like to try to answer my committee. I realize I will be defending my beliefs, much as I had to when I defended my doctoral dissertation to my dissertation committee when I was in graduate school. First, every time I have given something up, my God has given me much, much more in return. Relief, serenity, peace of mind—–all of these are inherent in realizing I no longer have to control everything and that it is unrealistic for me to expect to be able to do so. What has been left for me at those times when I have voluntarily turned something over to my Higher Power is a strong faith that provides fertile ground for the growth of my emerging, evolving spirit. When I continue to let God be in control things go well—-or at least I am, with God’s help, able to handle whatever comes my way. However, when I “take back” whatever I’ve turned over to God, things start building up into problems yet again. And again. Someday I hope to leave things in God’s hands permanently, and I am encouraged by the fact that I can now go for longer and longer periods without rebelling against the way “God is driving the bus.”

This brings me to the second question, why is it always about giving something up? For me, the answer is because I have spent a life time building an identity/ego that defines, in my mind, who I am. My inclination is to hold onto that identity tenaciously, no matter what. So naturally, I am reluctant to let go of anything that I feel is necessary to “stay who I am.” Again, in my case, many of the “blocks” I have used to build my identity are faulty. These faulty “blocks” cause continual problems for me, yet I hang on to them because I think I will not be me without them. For the sake of brevity, I have found that I have to let go of these faulty blocks gradually over time, and sometimes I have to do so more than once. For me, it is about “giving something up” because I need to do so to not only survive but to build a better life. The good news is, I really like the new “me” who is evolving because this new identity realizes it is not all about me—-that it is about God’s love and sharing it.

And to the last committee member that thinks turning things over to God offers an invitation to “party hardy” I have to say, “In all due respect, Mr. Committee Party Man, you are a remnant of my ‘stinking thinking’ that got me into most of my life’s messes in the first place. I am still accountable for how I do the footwork and carry out God’s will—-and if I start practicing my old bad habits yet again, it only means I have purposively divorced myself from God’s guidance and help.” Perhaps this response is a bit harsh, but this is the point where I need to be hard on myself. I seem to think I can turn things over to God and take back bits and pieces of what I’ve turned over because “I’m better, I’ve changed, things are different now, and now I can handle it.” This is the type of thinking that always brings me back to being enmeshed in self-created problems.

Wow! I did not mean to write for so long this morning. If you have stayed with me and plowed through all this, I thank you. May God bless and keep you.

Tags acceptance, addictive behavior, character defect, expectations, God, self-will, surrender

Categories recovery, Spirituality

Life Prescription

January 14, 2014 //

Image courtesy of voraorn/ FreeDigitalPhotos.net

A frequently occurring mantra in my head this morning is, “Take a deep breath, relax. This too shall pass.” I am in one of those moods where every little thing is irritating me. Actually, I am allowing it to do so. I have to consciously redirect my thoughts to what really matters—– that God is in control. Period. It does not matter that my television carrier stopped carrying the Weather Channel overnight. It does not matter that the university’s web-page generating program is tedious, onerous, and just about every other “bad adjective” I can think to attach to it. It doesn’t matter that I made a trip to the pharmacy last night for a medication that was promised to be phoned in and ready to be picked up by 6 PM last night yet was not there when I arrived to purchase it.

Now, looking at that list of grievances, I realize the things I have allowed to bother me are trivial. The bible verses I chose to post on my church’s Facebook page this morning for the daily bible reading say it all: “It was you who opened up springs and streams; you dried up the ever flowing rivers. The day is yours, and yours also the night; you established the sun and moon” (PSALM 74: 15– 16 NIV). I need to just relax and trust God. Just because things are not going my way does not mean God has abandoned me or anyone else or thing he created. Just because things don’t happen how or when I want them to doesn’t mean God is not in control—–or that he should have done things my way instead of his. Sometimes my psyche is like that of a demanding 2 year old. I don’t like that part of myself. Luckily, God loves all of me regardless of whether I am demanding or in a good mood or not.

Prior to working a twelve step program I would have used this “free floating irritability” triggered by my inability to control everything in my life exactly the way I want to as an excuse to indulge in one or several addictions. Now I know better. I don’t reach for a drink, drug, or sugar. I love myself too much to use my irritation as an excuse to hurt myself. Now I am forced to feel what I am feeling instead of numbing my feelings. I am learning to be that “witness” contemplative prayer is teaching me to be—–to practice a type of detachment so that I can observe what happens and my reaction without getting caught up in the drama of it. I can say to myself, “Well, you’re upset because you didn’t get the medication you need when you need it. Live with it. Going without it a bit longer will not kill you. Get over yourself.”

And, today, that is my best advice to myself—“get over yourself!” It is not all about me or how I think or need things to be. What I can change is how I react to life. Sometimes it is about accepting my reaction, noting it, and getting on with the business of living, and, if I am lucky, I can even begin to realize that living is a gift and not a business at all. God bless and keep you.

Tags acceptance, feelings, irritation

Categories Contemplative Prayer, recovery, Spirituality, Uncategorized

Feeding One’s Soul

January 12, 2014 //

Image courtesy of -Marcus-/ FreeDigitalPhotos.net

I just saw a commercial where the narrator was proclaiming not only could you get 2X the points for using his company’s credit card, but, if you did, then you could either eat or buy something that would “wake up your soul.” Unfortunately, I hadn’t been listening that closely, so I am not sure if the verb was “eat” or “buy.” It was a restaurant scene, so it probably was “eat.” Then, again, I may have heard “eat” because I have started a healthy eating regimen again . One where I turn my will and my life in regards to what I eat over to my Higher Power as I understand him. Put another way, it is a way of eating that is a gift from God that allows me to honor and care for my body as a temple/instrument meant to worship him and carry out his will on earth. Either way, my false self is feeling a wee bit neglected and miffed about no longer being in control of my eating. My true self, however, is celebrating. I don’t know if anyone else out there ever feels guilty for eating what you want to when you want until you are able to determine you are setting up problems for your body, but it is an immense relief to let that guilt/shame go and to feel “happy, joyous, and free” (term from AA’s Big Book) in regards to freedom from the bondage of compulsive eating.

I actually did not start to type this morning in order to tell you about using the 12 steps to combat compulsive eating. What I really want to focus on is how ludicrous the idea is that you can eat something that will wake up your soul—–or even buy something that will. The concept of a major credit card company “going spiritual” is an excellent example of cognitive dissonance until you realize the God credit cards “worship” is money. Money and what it can buy does not wake up one’s soul. At least, it has not awakened mine. My “wake up calls” have all come from God. I am talking about the ones that had to practically “hit me over the head” before I noticed them and responded in a healthy way. And getting to the point that I was able to register the precarious position I had put myself in was, in retrospect, a very dangerous and self-destructive process. Thankfully, I have started learning to be aware of and to heed the “still small” voice within that comes from my spiritual relationship more effectively, and I no longer have to endanger myself before I am able to comprehend and respond to it.

I want to take a moment to try to relate what sorts of things I do think “wake up” my soul, a soul that is, thankfully, no longer buried in addiction. First, there is the joy of experiencing God’s creation. Then, there are the blessings associated with the wonderful relationships God has given me with others that not only help wake my soul but keep it awake. These are found in my church, my step study groups, my 12 step groups, my prayer groups, and in close, caring relationships with dear friends. Mediation, studying God’s word, reading spiritual writings, hugging my dogs, telling my father and my sister’s I love them when we talk on the phone,—–these are all examples of some of the wonderful gifts that wake, feed, and nourish my soul.

I had to think longer than an Episcopalian should before I could come up with an example of what one could possibly eat that would wake one’s soul. Then I remembered the strong spiritual connection I feel when I am administered the bread and wine that represent Jesus. At that magical moment I literally become one with the body of Christ——and my soul is awakened and empowered to go forth and share God’s love with others. I think through all my years of compulsive eating I was probably searching for that one food that could wake my soul. I am thankful I no longer have to do so. May God bless and keep you.

Tags addiction, compulsive eating, God, Love, prayer, soul

Categories recovery, Spirituality

Trusting God’s Agenda

January 7, 2014 //

Image courtesy of Stuart Miles/ FreeDigitalPhotos.net

I seem to be fixated on the concept of happiness and what different sources suggest makes being happy possible. Today, from two different sources, I read about how expectations can lead to frustration (accessed 1/7/14 @ http://www.ramdass.org/when-emotion-overtakes-you/) and that if we are ever going to be able to be truly happy we will need to learn to tolerate not being in control and unable to predict outcomes (accessed 1/7/14 at: http://tinybuddha.com/blog/accepting-uncertainty-can-happy-without-answers/). To me, that sounds very similar to the phrase I hear so often around recovery tables, i.e., “accepting life on life’s terms.”

I am fortunate in that my life experiences have forced me over and over again to realize I cannot control or predict anything. AA’s “Big Book” says all I really need pray for is knowledge of God’s will and the power to carry it out. That philosophy makes it very clear that I am never in control and that God is. It is surprising how comfortable and serene I feel when I am able to actually follow this advice. It is not that this prayer automatically solves all my problems. To the contrary, it works because I trust God’s grace and wisdom to influence any situation in such a way that it is “right sized” and open to God’s intervention. Given the limitations of my human understanding and vision, I may not be able to ascertain whether evolving solutions and outcomes are or will be positive. Again, I have to trust my Higher Power’s wisdom which is infinite and can accurately comprehend the “big picture” in a reality not limited by time, space, or intellect.

Please don’t get the idea that I sit around doing nothing just waiting for God’s will to unfold. I actually have to become a conduit for his divine energy and wisdom. I become his tool. This means I need to remain open to doing his work and actively involved in doing it. I often tell those I work with that myself, my attitude, and my actions are the “light switch” that allows God’s will to manifest in this reality. I have to do the work of turning the light switch on so God’s energy, wisdom, grace, and love can be released.

Well, now you have my philosophy regarding what actually creates and maintains “happiness.” Basically, I think it comes down to my attitude. If I don’t get de-railed into self-centered thoughts, actions, and anxieties by consciously or unconsciously trying to take control back from my Higher Power I’ll stay happy. If I don’t question his way of doing things I will be happy. If I don’t question his agenda I will be happy. Succinctly put, if I trust God I will be more than happy. I will be grateful, and, hopefully, I will be sharing these personal positive outcomes with others. May God bless and keep you.

Tags acceptance, God, happy, prayer, trust

Categories recovery, Spirituality

A Cold Winter Day

January 6, 2014 //

Photo courtesy of Joshua Burgard

The sun is out; at least it was. It is getting close to dusk, so it will soon be history for today. My feet are finally warm. I gave up and got my heating pad out. My asthma won’t let me have a fire place or wood stove in the house. My father and I talked today; we could not remember it being this cold over such a large area this far south before. He is 92 and I am 64, so, to me, this “cold spell” is truly remarkable, cold and dangerous. Of course, our combined memories are not guaranteed to be accurate. I have never even heard the term “polar express” until now. Had I heard it this time last month I would have thought it was referring to some new and fancy express delivery system set up by Santa Claus.

Days like today force me to encounter myself. Sometimes, the encounter is not so bad, and other times it is not quite so easy. Today I was lucky to find a poem that touched my soul. I found it on another person’s WordPress site (http://begayjay306.wordpress.com/2013/12/30/working-it-through-by-jeremy-blackwater/). It reminded me of the power our faith has to give us hope, and that having such hope is instrumental in our survival. I think I still have “hope” on my mind from last Saturday’s centering prayer group experience, but I don’t mind.

Several of the things I’ve read today led me in a hope-related direction of thought. I have been reminded how important it is not to be overly self-critical of myself for not doing something, anything, or everything perfectly…..that what I have become and what I am becoming is a work in progress. I have been directed to compare myself only with myself, to look at where I’ve been, and at how far I’ve come. In doing that, at least for me, my hope is strengthened. After all, I have survived talking people out of guns and knives, my own alcoholism, having uncontrolled type 2 diabetes (I no longer have to take medication), and multiple partial bowel obstructions. I have survived earning three nursing degrees and working in multiple nursing jobs in positions ranging from nurses’ aid to Director of Nursing in private, state, and federal psychiatric hospitals. I have survived teaching in three universities, and I have survived two divorces. In looking at my past I cannot help but realize my God has brought me this far, and that our relationship is real, tangible, and reliable.

And that is the thought I want to leave my readers with on this cold, dreary, and darkening day in January. This moment may not seem special, but when it is compared to what has been or what it could be, one cannot help but be grateful for what one has been given. The reality of surviving one’s past gives us hope that we will continue to receive God’s grace and love. However, I always have to remind myself of what I hear around recovery tables: “I can’t keep it if I don’t give it away.” To me, that means I have to do what I can to share God’s grace and love. Doing so has already given me some of the best moments of my life. May God bless and keep you.

Tags centering prayer, cold winter, God's grace, hope, survival

Categories love, recovery, Spirituality

Adding to My Recovery Toolbox

January 2, 2014 //

Image courtesy of Gualberto107/ FreeDigitalPhotos.net

I’ve done gratitude lists and God Boxes to support my recovery, but now I’ve been introduced to a new concept that I think will be most helpful. The new tool is a “Happiness Jar”—-an idea originated by Elizabeth Gilbert ( accessed 1/2/14 at: http://www.elizabethgilbert.com/lets-talk-about-those-happiness-jars). This wonderful yet simple idea basically consists of writing a simple description on a scrap of paper of your happiest moment for the current day along with the day’s date. Then you drop the paper into a container (jar, basket, bucket—-whatever one wants to use). The idea is when you’re feeling down you can pull a slip out at random and re-live a happy memory. The therapeutic value, however, goes further than that. It introduces one to how rewarding it can be to realize each of our days has a moment of happiness in it—–and it starts ingraining an “attitude of gratitude” into our minds and souls.

I like things simple, and I like concrete reminders of where I am supposed to be and what I am supposed to be doing. I started a “happiness record” table in document form yesterday, but it didn’t have the “magic” hand’s on feel I was looking for. So, I went out today and bought the biggest, cheapest yet moderately attractive jar I could find. Putting the slips of paper for yesterday and today into that jar actually felt like palpable magic. I thank you, Elizabeth Gilbert, wherever you are for introducing me to this tool to keep and use in my “recovery toolbox.”

Then, on the way to my 6th & 7th Step Meeting last night, NPR had a news clip on about how one can write about any issue that is bothering you, past or present, for 15 minutes a day for four days —–just writing and not worrying about logic, grammar, or spelling. The point is to to get what is bothering you out of your mind and on to paper. A bit of magic happens with this, too. Thanks to information NPR shared, I found more specific information on a University of Texas web page (accessed 1/1/14 at: epage.psy.utexas.edu/HomePage/Faculty/Pennebaker/Home2000/WritingandHealth.html).

James Pennebaker (Professor and Chair, Department of Psychology, The University of Texas at Austin, Texas) has developed this model of journaling and done extensive research about its outcomes. He says to write for 20 minutes a day for four days. According to yesterday’s NPR All Things Considered program (Editing Your Life’s Stories Can Create Happier Endings by Lulu Miller, accessed 1/2/14 at: http://www.npr.org/blogs/health/2014/01/01/258674011/editing-your-lifes-stories-can-create-happier-endings), writing about personal issues this way has the following result “As you write about the troubling, confusing event again and again, eventually you begin to make sense of it. You can put those consuming thoughts to rest.”

And that, my friends, is probably why I blog. However, this suggested writing technique is a private affair lasting a matter of days, and you will not be subjected to it in my blogs. I think I may try it with the issues I discovered last night during that step meeting I mentioned. Our discussion led me to ask myself what is it that is bugging me to the point that I am flirting with depression again? My Higher Power sent me the answers. As always, my emotional upheaval has to do with not being able to control something and needing to accept life on life’s terms. Specifically, I realized I am afraid of my father’s deteriorating mental status and my own pending full retirement/loss of professional identity in a few months. Now I know what I need to write about for myself.

I hope the “happy jar” idea is a helpful one for you. For those of you who use journaling as a tool of recovery, I hope the writing method discussed on NPR last night is a helpful one too. God bless and keep you.

Tags attitude of gratitude, journaling, step work

Categories recovery, Spirituality

Happiness Ripples

January 1, 2014 //

Image courtesy of winnond/ FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Back in the day, I would thought that title referred to a cheap bottle of wine that was being passed around a circle of friends who were engaging in a bit of “social drug use.” Today it has a totally different meaning for me. One of the Facebook “posters” I shared this morning (accessed 1/1/2014 at PreventDisease.com) urged people to spread happiness as a candle shares light. A wise friend replied to my posting with this comment: ” It [happiness] just spreads like ripples from a thrown pebble.” That left me wondering, how can I live my life so that I create at least one positive ripple a day? Today’s blog will be focused on trying to answer that question for myself.

I hope what I write and share with others in these blogs and on my church Facebook page (https://www.facebook.com/pages/Christ-Episcopal-Church-Cape-Girardeau-MO) will be able to create a positive ripple here and there. It is harder for me to spreading happiness with my actions—-by what I say and do. Since I am a “professional communicator” I sometimes prefer introverted solitude when I am not focused on helping others. Granted, I need a certain amount of that for “self-maintenance.” But, when does self-maintenance turn into selfishness?

Obviously, I need to take a quick inventory of actions I’ve taken in the past few days that have had the potential to block or create positive ripples. First of all, on the “negative” side of this inventory are the actions I took that isolated me from others even after I had sufficient time to “re-energize” myself. There were calls to friends I did not make because I did not want to let them know I was feeling just a bit depressed after this last trip home. Although I did not drink, I found solace in eating pistachios alone in my self-imposed fortress and rationalized the entire time I was eating them that they were full of healthy antioxidants and fats. Some would say my refusal to do laundry, clean house, or wash dishes were expressions of negative energy that blocks “positive ripples.” Others would say I was demonstrating signs and symptoms of a mild depression.

On the positive side of this inventory are the twelve step meetings I’ve attended and in which my presence and comments actively supported recovery—-as did everyone’s there. Giving my phone number to a new comer, offering long distance solace via telephone conversation to friends experiencing emotional anguish, meeting a friend for lunch and “catching up” on our friendship, writing these blogs, and, finally, calling a friend this morning and admitting I am depressed—-all of these actions were related to positive ripples/outcomes…..probably more for myself than anyone else.

Looking at this inventory, it is obvious to me that I spread more “positive ripples” when I socially interact with others and less when I indulge in my character defect of isolation. One important insight this “exercise” has given me is the knowledge that meeting face-to-face with others allows their “positive ripples” to have a positive effect on me. Granted, interacting with my four dogs can have that effect to a certain extent, but not to the extent talking to another human being face to face can.

I abhor New Year resolutions. I prefer relating to one day at a time outcomes. So, today, I accept that I need to seek the company of my fellow two-leggeds on a regular basis even when I feel a very strong urge to isolate. I need to do this every day, one day at a time or my retirement will become, as it does for many, a descent into isolated depression. Yes, I will be attending a sixth step discussion group tonight. Happiness is a choice, and if I want to continue traveling a spiritual path, I need to do what it takes to support that choice. For me, that means besides seeking the company of others and continuing to take my anti-depressant medication as prescribed.

Thanks for letting me do a little “self-therapy” in regards to this “spread happiness” idea. May God bless and keep you.

Tags addiction, addictive behavior, character defect, depression, happiness, isolation

Categories recovery, Spirituality

Cleansing our Conscience

December 31, 2013 //

Image courtesy of Stuart Miles/ FreeDigitalPhotos.net

I am not just talking about “personal hygiene” here—-or even “mental hygiene” as the Veterans Administration folks used to call it. I am talking about steps that need to be taken for the miracle of recovery to occur. I cannot count the times I have heard people talk about the importance of completing AA’s 4th step in supporting recovery. This step involves taking a self-inventory. There are a variety of ways to work this step; many old-timers are “big book thumpers” who insist it has to be done exactly as outlined in the “big book.” Personally, I think each person needs to find a way of working this step that works for him or her, and I tend to think it is as important to look at assets as it is defects.

After this inventory is completed the person working the steps is expected to talk it over with another human being and to eventually “make amends” for the past wrongs that were identified. Sadly, in terms of acknowledging wrongs done and making amends, the person working the steps is the one most often overlooked. I believe it is essential for both the inventory and amends to include both the harm done to oneself and forgiving oneself.

I just finished reading a meditation for the second time today. I want to share part of it with you. It is from John Kirvin’s Where Only Love Can Go: A Journey of the Soul into the Cloud of Unknowing (1996, pp. 122-123, Notre Dame, Indiana: Ave Maria Press). This particular book is a book of meditations based on a book written anonymously in the thirteen hundreds. Text from this ancient book is still used today as one of the basic cornerstones of contemplative prayer.

One of Kirvin’s selections from this ancient text addresses how we must start our spiritual journey by “cleansing our consciences, and enduring the pain of restoring creation to its proper place in our lives” (p. 122). It basically says that those of us who have sinned will have a harder job of it, but that “God gives his grace in a special way to the least of us and to the amazement of the world ” (p. 122). It points out that many honored in this life will be pushed aside on judgment day while “some who are now despised and considered of no spiritual worth will take their place with the angels and saints.” It ends by admonishing us to “Judge no one in this life, least of all yourself” (p. 123).

Both anonymous works (The Cloud of Unknowing and AA’s big book) stress the importance of self-inventory and conscience cleansing. However, not judging yourself is not emphasized in the big book, and, in my opinion, doing so is essential for true recovery to begin and to continue. Most of my professional life has focused on two things: teaching mental health nursing and promoting recovery in women who are alcoholics and addicts. Time and time again, one of the major obstacles women often encounter in their recovery journey is the difficulty they have in forgiving themselves. Our culture and most of our religious teachings does not stress the importance of self-forgiveness. But forgiving ourselves is an essential component of being able to begin to love ourselves as God does. After all, if God through his grace can forgive us, who are we to question his judgment?

Enough said. Just because I am obsessing about a particular topic, it is not fair for me to keep going on and on about it. I hope your spiritual journey includes. self-forgiveness and a growing self-love. I am still working on it one day at a time myself—–even after over thirty two years of recovery. May God bless and keep you.

Tags contemplative prayer, forgiveness, inventory, working AA's 12 steps

Categories love, recovery, Spirituality