Walk the Walk

Photo by K. Farwell

I’ve been going through this weird thing where all I want to do is crochet. Reading and typing seem more like a chore than anything else. On top of that I’ve continued to have headaches and upper leg and hip muscle pain. I chalked it all up to just growing old and started to get on with my life. Then, Friday, I went to my annual eye appointment, and, after my eyes  were examined,  I was told “You just made it by a thin margin—-you are just one point above not being able to drive legally.” I did not realize how worried the doctor was until he dilated my eyes, checked my right eye, and said, “The good news is you’ve not bled into your right eye.”

Talk about a kick in the stomach that wasn’t expected! My deteriorating vision explains why typing, reading, and driving are no longer enjoyable. Crocheting I can hold up close to my eyes. My  right eye is usually my good eye, and, indeed, it is the left eye that most needs cataract surgery. The doctor and I both couldn’t understand why the right eye got so much worse all of the sudden. But he decided it was because I am a diabetic. He pulled the “shaming authority” gig on me, and proceeded to lecture me on how I couldn’t ignore being a diabetic, how I always needed to check my blood sugars even if my A1-Cs were all good, etc……that if I didn’t I could go blind before I figured out something was wrong. Talk about a bummer.

My first response was denial——I told him I’d just renewed my driver’s license after passing the vision test. He said that didn’t matter because if I were to be in an accident any good lawyer would go to my medical record. The doctor gave me two choices—-I could opt to have cataract surgery right away or I could wait a couple of weeks, take my blood sugar levels twice a day, and keep a food diary and then come back to have my vision re-checked.  I opted for the two week choice because I watch my diet fairly closely and I don’t think diabetes is causing the rapid eyesight loss. If it is diabetes, it will need to be “under control” before any surgery to promote healing after the surgery. Besides, while I  am waiting  I can hang on to the fantasy that Friday’s “readings” were just a fluke and I’ll pass the vision test with flying colors in a couple of weeks.

Now that a couple of days have passed I can ask myself what is God trying to tell me. Obviously, I need to focus on acceptance of my own mortality and medical conditions. But maybe God is trying to tell me something more. Maybe he is trying to tell me to be careful before I hurt someone when I am driving. I am going to stop driving at night—–especially in the rain. And, now that I know why I hate driving in traffic, I am going to stay out of it as much as I can. I will drive more slowly.

All this time I thought floaters” were intermittently messing up my vision, but now I know it  is actually cataracts and some unknown factor. It is the unknown factor that scares me. What I am realizing as I write this is I am being given yet another opportunity to trust God and have faith——you know, to walk the walk and not just talk it. God bless and keep you.

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