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My mind seems to be cluttered this morning with bits and pieces of thought and memory floating around trying to tell me something. I have been “feeling down” because I spent three days watching the aging process slowly robbing my father of his mind. It hurts to see him struggle to form a single word, a meaningful sentence, or to untangle a splintered memory. Yesterday’s bible readings in church spoke of dry bones and Lazarus being given God’s gift of life. Of course, being in my somewhat befuddled state of mind, I focused my attention on the Lazarus story’s detail about how Lazarus had lain dead for four days and, in his decay process, he had begun to stink. Jesus still had them roll away the stone, commanded him to live, and had them “unbind” him so he could be free of the cloths that bound him.
First, of course, my mind went into a flight of free association and attached the “stink of decay” concept to the phenomenon of “stinking thinking” we talk about in twelve step recovery. Stinking thinking is a thinking process that sneaks back up on us in recovery and replaces our new Higher Power directed way of thinking with our old self-will powered thinking . And, yes, if we stay bound up in that morass of self-will our spirits will begin to decay and we will have a spiritual “stench” about ourselves. If we let go of that self-will and allow our Higher Power to once again guide our thinking, we will be freed from the bonds of self-will that were slowing killing us even though we had momentarily escaped our past addictions.
Yesterday a dear friend asked if I was okay. I explained I was caught up in the pain of watching my father lose his mind, and my friend quietly but emphatically informed me, “it could be much worse.” I needed to hear that. I know aging and gradual decay are part of life. Am I so terminally unique that I really think my father and eventually myself should be spared that part of living? God has held my hand through absolutely everything, and he will hold it still as long as I let him. Instead of obsessing about my father’s comment when we parted that “this may be our last hug” I should be grateful that we were given that wonderful hug to hold in our hearts. I should trust God and know that when it is time in his own way he will breathe the breath of life into those he has created so that we may live once more outside the stench of aging and dying.
And, lastly, I know that one day at a time I can allow God to breathe the breath of life into my being, my experience, and my recovery. Whatever comes my way can be faced in partnership with him. I should stop worrying, grieving, and being afraid. I need to trust God to be there to roll away whatever stone blocks my progress and to un-wrap whatever binds me and keeps me from living a life in partnership with him. May God bless and keep us.
Living One Day at a Time 
As I read your post I thought of a recent experience I had. For months I have been going through some very bad events because of the determined exercise of someone else’s self-will, a person operating in the dark of his own mind. I began to feel as though God had abandoned me in this situation and asked Him why He had forsaken me. When I lay down to sleep a few hours later I felt, unexpectedly, terrible waves of depression and hopelessness wash over me. I felt so physically ill I began to struggle to get up to go to the hospital as I believed I was dying. It came to me then that God was saying, “Do you see what it would be like for you if I really had abandoned you? Do you understand now that I haven’t?” I got it. The reality of my situation called for despair and hopelessness, but I was not and am not living in that. God continues to breathe new life into my spirit through His Spirit in me, and Jesus is right there, very much more real and important than the temporary difficulties I am going through.
Thank you so much for your words from your heart. They comfort me as I know we share this common bond of being blessed in the care of God through all things.
how hard it is to believe what I’ve been taught, that God is with me every step of the way. May I not get bogged down with growing older and not always feeling like “a spring chicken.” I have had lots of good friendships, new and old to discover every day. I keep remembering the quote in the Bible: “I do believe, Lord. Help my unbelief!
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