Know Thyself

March 5, 2014 //

Image courtesy of BJWOK ,/ FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Yesterday, a friend asked me how to do a 4th step inventory when most of the wrong [in her life] was done by someone else. As far as I know, this was the first time this person had considered applying these steps to her own life. I found myself having real trouble trying to answer that question in a way that made sense and was helpful to someone with little or no exposure to twelve step recovery. Therefore, I am going to try to answer that question more effectively in today’s blog. I obviously need to figure out the answer for myself!

The 4th step involves looking at character defects/shortcomings we recognize in how we relate to ourselves, others, and God. Then we think about how these got started in our lives, what feelings or emotions seem to be at the root of them, and who or what we resent for the causative incident(s). We try to determine what “drive/defect/feeling” in us was associated with the resented incident/person. We look at the attitudes and behavior patterns that have shaped our lives—–not just our eating, drinking, gambling, etc.

However, when we look at patterns we often realize our own specific addictive behaviors or strongly linked to underlying problematic deep-rooted feelings or needs. We often eat or drink (etc.) seeking comfort and/or escape from our painful or uncomfortable emotions (fear, anger, distrust, etc.).

A lot of our 4th step inventory is about discovering how we have harmed/hurt ourselves because of all of the above. For many of us, our 5th step “amends” are “living amends” to ourselves accomplished by living according to the guidance of program principles and/or our faith—–the change in our behavior and attitudes demonstrates our transformation/progress in recovery. Sometimes our living amends are the best kind to make to ourselves and others because actions speak louder than words.

It is also important to look at our assets when we take our inventory. Specifically, we can look at the attitudes, emotions, and behaviors that are the opposite of those that are the “defects” we’ve just inventoried. Acknowledging our positive assets—-or our progress towards them—-helps us realize not only the good in our past but the transformation that is taking place in the present as we practice recovery principles.

If we find ourselves wondering, “What do I do when it is others that need to make amends to me?” we are taking someone else’s inventory other than our own. The key is looking at our own lives from a holistic perspective and not just focusing on a specific action like how I hurt someone when I over ate or drank too much. That can be included in our inventory, of course, but hopefully, a holistic, in-depth inventory will explore and acknowledge much more. This is important because the drinking, eating, etc. is often a “symptom” of our underlying problem(s), and doing this type of in-depth inventory does a better job of acknowledging and working through the underlying problems.

By the way, these twelve steps are actually a “recipe for living” that can help anyone transform their lives. That is one of the reasons I talked about them at length in today’s blog. For more help understanding what character defects and program principles actually are, I would refer my readers to the 2nd edition of “Drop the Rock: Removing Character Defects” by Bill P. Todd W. Sara S. and published in 2005 by Hazelden. God bless and keep you.

Tags acceptance, addiction, addictive behavior, character defect, working AA's 12 steps

Categories recovery, Spirituality

Walking on Ice

March 4, 2014 //

Photograph courtesy of Bob Towner

Yesterday a good friend rescued me from my “stuck in the house” doldrums. I was able to put attachable cleats on my shoes, walk across the snow and ice to his car, and then to walk out of his car and into the church for our centering prayer session. I felt like God came down, fitted me with wings, and let me fly out into the light again.

I tend to take my friends for granted, and it is not until times like this that I realize how much they mean to me. That same friend was able to use my cell phone to take a beautiful photo of God’s light streaming through one of our church’s stained glass windows right before our prayer session started, and the result was a photo I will treasure always. It will remind me not only of God’s love but the love that my friends have shared with me.

God has been working on me to more strongly anchor the concept of “willingness” into my heart. He did this yesterday by giving me lessons about my own willingness as well as how to introduce others to the concept of willingness. Yesterday my lessons led me to accept favors, to ask for help when I needed it, and to grasp an arm held out and offered for support in case I should start slipping on the ice. Yesterday also offered me opportunities to begin sharing my concept of willingness with another friend who is considering trying to use AA’s twelve steps for the first time to enter into recovery from carbohydrate addiction.

In looking back at yesterday, I have to wonder, once again, why is it so difficult for me to let others help me and so easy for me to focus instead on helping others? I am forced to admit it must involve my “false self”—my ego-centered pride. And below that layer of the onion is my more deeply centered issues of trust. Yesterday I trusted cleats, a friend, and God not to let me fall on the ice. This particular friend and God have been with me through many trials and tribulations; they have more than proven their trustworthiness. Why do I still have trust issues? I am like St. Peter who walks on water until he begins to be afraid. If I am not careful, I will allow my fears and insecurities to build a fortress that not only protects me but also imprisons me from the love and kindness of others. My fear, if fed, can even shut God out.

Happily, I learned yesterday that trusting God and friends can make all the difference in the world—and in my eternal reality. I got to be with other people of faith yesterday, and discussing our beliefs reaffirmed my faith and what it means to me. Had I stayed at home, my dogs would have continued to offer me unconditional love as they always do, but they cannot talk to me about matters of faith. It is even hard for them to let me be without interruption long enough to practice centering prayer. So, I am dedicating this blog to thanking my friend Bob, my other friends at Centering Prayer, my friend who let me talk about willingness, and, of course, God for freeing me from my self-imposed prison. May God bless and keep you.

Tags centering prayer, God, trust, willingness

Categories Contemplative Prayer, recovery, Spirituality

Give Peace a Chance

March 2, 2014 //

Image courtesy of digitalart,/ FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Today has been an unusual day. Sleet has been falling from gray, overcast skies. There is a sheen of ice visible on walkways and roads. Droplets of water are frozen on my clothesline. Through all of this winter mess, an occasional soft roll of thunder can be heard overhead.

I turned my television on this morning to check the weather report, and after a brief presentation of the weather, all I heard was “Crimea this” and “Crimea” that. I always thought Crimea was a place in history books where Florence Nightingale actually practiced nursing for a few years. Now it is a word that is a bit too real in the present moment. With the word “Crimea” other words are being spoken: words like “war” and “aggression.” I pray daily for peace, but I think a collective effort would be more productive. Perhaps our world needs to step back and take a deep breath and re-direct its energies to peace for all.

Naturally, my thoughts turn to what I can do to promote peace. I can continue to focus on developing a strong spiritual “inner core”—–and I can share that with others with whom I come in contact. I need to share God’s love so my actions radiate peace and concern rather than anxiety and resentment so I can cultivate calmness and peace rather than discord and stress in my interactions with others.

Watching the news this morning was not quite as bad as watching the Bay of Pigs crisis unfold on our family’s old black and white television. It was, however, reminiscent of that scary point in time. I’m not ready to go out and start digging a bomb shelter. I’m not ready to turn into “Henny Penny” and run around proclaiming the “sky is falling.” I am, however ready for peace on earth. I am ready for each one of us to realize that we are all one, and in fighting others who we call “enemy” we are fighting just other versions of ourselves. I am ready for the world to realize God’s mercy, grace, love and compassion extend to everyone—–including our President, those who are killing each other in the Sudan, the man this morning’s newscasters are referring to as the “Russian dictator,” the children next door, the elderly lady two houses up, the homeless man or woman trying to keep warm, or even those who abuse others, be they human or animal.

My faith has repeatedly taught me not to judge others. If I am honest about all the wars my country has fought, I cannot afford to be judgmental about another country’s acts of aggression. I should not judge such actions even if I were a citizen of a country that had never been aggressive itself.

So, I am back to my question. What can I as an individual do to promote peace. I can pray for peace and love to prevail. I can live peacefully so the “ripple effect” from my little corner of the world will promote peace rather than aggression. The world’s situation is one of those things referred to in the Serenity Prayer that I cannot change, but if I work on changing myself and my actions, the only things I actually can change, maybe that one little change will have a “butterfly” affect on the rest of the world. Maybe not, but at least I can live with myself knowing I have tried. God bless and keep you.

Categories love, non-violence, peace, Spirituality

Closing A Door

February 28, 2014 //

Image courtesy of Idea go/ FreeDigitalPhotos.net

I have been sad the past couple of days because we had to close a twelve step women’s group due to lowering attendance and lack of women with long term recovery to lead the meetings. Part of my mourning is fed by my feeling guilty because I didn’t step up and try to rescue the group. Not that it is all about me, but I helped keep it afloat for years and had to stop due to health reasons. Now I want to jump in and try to “save” it, only I know I can’t over extend myself or I may be back in the hospital again. There are other groups, and recovery can be found in all of them—— it is just that this particular group was formed by women helping women and it lasted for longer than twenty years. It was my lifeline when I first moved to this area.

As I get older, it seems to me that life is trying to teach me that a big part of life is letting go of things. I don’t think it ever gets easy, but perhaps I am supposed to learn that all things “pass away” except my soul, the souls of others, and God’s loving spirit. But I don’t know what my life would be without “attachments”—-and I don’t mean the kind attached to a document. I mean the kind that are people, places, and things that are important in our lives. Right now I have a small white dog nestled close to each side of me as I type. I have a very strong and loving attachment with all four of my dogs, but I know we will not always be able to be together. I have buried both sets of grandparents, one parent, a step-son, and numerous friends, relatives, and pets. I know death is part of the cycle of life. Obviously, there is just part of me that does not want to accept that.

Oddly, I do not fear my own death. I have been surrounded by God’s love numerous time when I was close to dying. I always felt a calm, welcoming love at those times that left no room for anxiety. At those times when all other reality is swept away, it is easy to realize what matters is our soul and being embraced by God’s love. But now, today, my dogs bring comfort. I depend on my friends and family. Their love and support keep me going—-just like the unconditional love of my dogs keeps me going. I am not saying that kind of dependence is wrong or bad. I am just saying I need to realize any or all of it can be gone in a moment.

I’m beginning to think what is going on here is my life-long struggle of wanting to control and fighting the realization that I have no control. I have to accept that God is in control. When I do, at those times of surrender, I find a great deal of comfort to in realizing God has had control all along and will have control for all eternity. I have learned that if I stop fighting God’s control I find things turn out much better than they would have if I were still trying to control them. It is just a matter of exercising my “faith muscle.” I have to believe my dogs, my family, my friends, and my world will be just fine without me and I will be just fine without them when time or circumstance parts us as long as we are all connected by God’s love—–a love which cannot be bound by time or place. God bless and keep you.

Tags God, reality, trust

Categories love, recovery, Spirituality

“Fix-itis”

February 26, 2014 //

Image courtesy of digitalart/ FreeDigitalPhotos.net

I continually find myself in a position of wanting others to have what I have found. I want them instantly to understand the magic and meaning of a twelve step spiritual pathway, and I want them to know how they can restore themselves to a healthy, holistic lifestyle. When I listen and hear a remark about how unhealthily high someone’s blood sugar is, I want to tell them about a way to eat I have discovered that got my blood sugars in a normal range so that I was able to both lose weight and stop having to take diabetes medication. When those newly introduced to the twelve step program speak and give words to their newly emergent understanding of “the program” and “the steps” and what they mean——I want to interrupt them and teach them beyond their insight.

There are a lot of things “wrong” with my attitude when I let it wander in that direction. First of all, what I’ve learned, what works for me, is my insight, experience, strength, and hope and not necessarily anyone else’s. Beyond that, a spiritual pathway that works cannot be “programmed or fed into” someone; everyone must find their own way and their own truth.

Secondly, I need to look at my motivation for wanting to “set someone right.” Is it truly to help that person or am I merely trying to impress people so that I can feel important? That kind of self-centered motivation will not help anyone. Perhaps I truly want to save people the agony of having to learn life’s lessons the hard way; perhaps I want to save them from making the same mistakes I made so that their life will be “fully lived” now and they don’t have to wait until they are past fifty years old to begin to get a strong foothold in spirituality and wisdom.

If it were just as simple as telling people what they need to do to be “okay” followed immediately by those people following the advice they were given then, perhaps, many of us would not need to discover the twelve step process of evolving. People (parents, grandparents, and doctors) were shaking a finger in my face and telling me how I had to eat if I didn’t want to end up a diabetic like my mother from an early age. After all, they put me on my first diet at age four. I have always resisted authority and tend to want to do the opposite of what someone emphatically advises me to do. Being told or dictated what to do does not heal the spirit, and it does not solve the problem(s) behind whatever unhealthy or addictive symptom being addressed. One problematic behavior may be stopped only to be replaced by another. I replaced over-eating with excessive drinking. When I quit drinking, I replaced that with excessive smoking. I have been able to “let go” of those symptoms through the years, some more than once, but I know they and others are always “lurking in the shadows” waiting to bump me off the spiritual pathway of recovery.

So, when I want to “fix” or “speed up” someone else’s recovery, I need to remember recovery can only be given by God——provided one actively seeks it. The “way, how, and what” of each person’s recovery is between that individual and God. I need to be supportive and live my own spiritual program so that the twelve step process I am living is one that “attracts” rather than “promotes” because the twelve step way of life cannot be sold to anyone, it can only work by attracting others who see what they want and are willing to do what it takes to get it. May God bless and keep you.

Tags working AA's 12 steps

Categories recovery, Spirituality

To Help or Not?

February 25, 2014 //

Image courtesy of Master isolated images, / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

I just saw a video on Facebook that depicted a young man wearing “Christian Regalia” on his person and who had Christian symbols on his car. This same young man talking on his cell phone walked by a woman who had dropped her groceries without noticing the woman’s distress—and, of course, not stopping to help. I shared the video on my timeline because I thought it had an important message. Then I had to stop and think. When am I the “young man” talking on my cell phone oblivious to my fellow human beings and their needs?

Frankly, this line of thought makes me nervous. As a child the “Good Samaritan” bible story was my favorite. Yet, here I am afraid to stop to pick up a hitchhiker, afraid to roll down my window in my locked car at night when a man of color taps on my window, reluctant to give money to strangers who ask for it because I don’t want to support their drug or alcohol habit…..these are all things I do. Or don’t do, in terms of reaching out to others. Am I prudent? Or am I failing to do as Christ would have me do?

Granted, I am immersed in what I think of as “my mission”—-spreading spiritual ideas in meetings, in most of my actions, and in writing. But there are still those times when another human being may or may not be in need of my help, and I don’t notice or I look the other way.

Last night in a meeting, I said that in recovery we have to help ourselves before we can help anyone else. If we don’t take care of ourselves, we will have nothing to share of value with others. I would like to think the times when I look the other way are instances of taking care of myself so I will be able to help others in need.

But, what about the other times when I am so wrapped up in my own situation that I don’t even notice someone may need my help or a listening ear? It is at times like this when I am thinking these types of thoughts that I am glad I can ask my God for forgiveness for “things done and not done” over and over again. When I was feeling prideful not too long ago, I asked why repeating the same prayer for forgiveness several times a day was necessary. Wasn’t doing so a sign that I wasn’t serious about my prayers or about keeping my word to God?

Now, when I am able to practice humility and get my “ego-I” out of the way, I can admit that I sin and don’t even know it. Sin to me is anything that separates me from God’s love. And when I am so wrapped up in myself that I don’t notice what God would have me do, then I am definitely guilty of “things not done.” I need to ask God to forgive my oversight and help me be more aware of what he would have me do. I also ask every morning for the courage to carry that out. I still don’t know if I will have the courage to roll my window down or open my door to a stranger, but I have a feeling there are lot more things out there God wants me to do than things that might endanger my safety.

Enjoy this beautiful day. Take a deep breath. Thank Creator for both the day and the breath. May God bless and keep you.

Tags Creator, forgiveness, God

Categories recovery, Spirituality

Escaping the Box

February 24, 2014 //

Image courtesy of jscreationzs,/ FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Today is going to be a “short one.” I am running out of energy. Taught class today, pinch hit for a sick guest lecturer and gave two tests. Now I have a brief interlude before I go to a church vestry meeting. I just made myself a sugar-free cup of cocoa; I find that it helps calm and relax me; and if I limit it to one cup, I am not drinking excess calories.

Today in class I found myself using a lot of examples from my own history to illustrate concepts associated with addiction and alcoholism. I think my students understood what I was trying to teach them, but some of them had blank looks on their faces. I wanted them to know that addiction/alcoholism is more than a disease, that it is a state of spiritual bankruptcy that needs 12 step recovery to fill the void and put and keep the person seeking recovery on a spiritual pathway. I wanted them to understand spirituality is an essential ingredient of recovery.

That’s a hard one to explain, and were I to go back over 40 years ago when I was sitting and hearing about substance abuse for the first time before I experienced it first hand, I probably wouldn’t have understood the concept of spiritual bankruptcy and spiritual recovery either. Reading the 12 steps didn’t help either; I thought 12 step programs were just substituting one dependency for another —-and I was certain alcoholics and addicts just needed to learn to be autonomous and to have better self esteem and they would be okay. I was naive enough as a nurse to think I could help them achieve those attributes and go merrily on their way. Boy, was I wrong!

Now I am at the end of my nursing career, and I just got official notification I need to renew my certification in addictions’ nursing. We are required to do this every four years if we want to keep the certification. I could do it easily enough; I have the continuing education units, and I could afford the fee. But what earthly good would the credential be to a retired nurse? I know now that no amount of knowledge or expertise can make a bit of difference as far as recovery goes if spirituality doesn’t enter into it—–and being certified as an advanced practice addictions nurse would not assist me or anyone else find or stay on a spiritual pathway. Looks like I just made my decision. I will not re-certify, and I will continue learning all I can about the spiritual aspects of recovery. May God bless and keep you.

Tags Addictions Re-Certification

Categories recovery, Spirituality

Socks of Bright Colors

February 22, 2014 //

Image courtesy of dan/ FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Today I wore my purple “When I Become an Old Woman” sweatshirt (one of my “thrift store finds) to a centering prayer meeting. A parody of the famous poem about growing old and wearing purple is written of the sweatshirt. Upon reading my shirt, a friend suggested I write a parody of my own. So, here goes:

Now that I Am an Old Woman

Now that I am an old woman, I shall continue to wear purple as it is my favorite color, and I will wear socks of bright colors: some with peace signs and others with smiley faces. I shall spend my retirement funds on necessities and luxuries when I can afford them. I will spend my money on healthy foods, and I will take my prescribed medications. I shall go to meetings to support my sobriety and recovery, and I shall eat with healthy restraint. I will hoard pens; pencils; yarn; crochet hooks; crocheted afghans, shawls, and scarves; and boxes and boxes full of “stuff.” I shall spare no expense in feeding and caring for my four beloved little white dogs. I shall consent to being immersed in God’s love, and I will try my best to share that love. I will forget some things and remember others. I will put things in safe places only to lose them, and later I will find them when I am not seeking them. I will re-direct my thoughts in a positive direction when my mind starts to dwell on negative matters. I shall exercise when I want, take naps when I want, and stay up as late as I want. I will write for fun rather than publication, and I shall read books and play computer games to my heart’s content. I shall greet each day by making conscious contact with God and turning my will and my life over to him. I will ask for knowledge of God’s will and the power to carry it out. At the end of each day I will be grateful for the day God has given me and for the mercy he has shown me my whole life through.

Wow, it felt good to write that! May God bless and keep you.

Tags centering prayer, God, Love

Categories Contemplative Prayer, recovery, Spirituality

“Comfort Activity”

February 20, 2014 //

Image courtesy of yingyo/ FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Sometimes I think I’ve never grown up—-that I can get lost in the land of play and stay for hours. Sometimes that is exactly what my soul needs to rejuvenate itself. Last night I downloaded a free game on my KindleHD, and I played it for about thirty minutes. It “sucked the juice” out of my Kindle, and I had to stop playing and recharge “my toy.” While it was charging I got on my laptop and purchased the PC version of the game —–then I stayed up until almost 1:00 AM playing the new game. When I went to bed I immediately fell asleep, but one of the images I remember seeing right before I woke up this morning was an image of the new game’s screen.

So, am I caught in yet another addiction? If so, as long as it does no harm, I am not going to worry about it. If it becomes all I do, if I stop loving and feeding my dogs, if I stop eating, exercising, drinking fluids, etc. so I can continue playing “the game” then I am in trouble! If my game playing starts to interfere with my functioning then I am approaching the land of “disorder” as it is defined by those who work in mental health.

I must admit, though, that my childhood games were healthier for me. They involved no electricity, and they taught my mind to be creative and introduced me to the land of imagination. I did not have any other children to play with on my isolated farm, but that didn’t stop the fun. There were trees, moss, baby birds, frogs, terrapins (Latin and “hillbilly” for land turtle), fireflies, and June Bugs to play with, and the games got my body moving and exercising right along with my brain. If I encountered a snake, wasp, spider, or scorpion I knew to keep as far away as possible. It was another day and time, and children could play freely without fearing abduction or worse.

I need to go back to analyzing what is happening when I get deeply engrossed in playing an electronic game. One of the ways I cope with anxiety or stress is to engage in “comfort activity.” In the past that has been drinking alcohol and compulsively eating. Both of these activities are turned over to my Higher Power now on a daily basis, so I think the allure of last night’s game was a direct response to my not so healthy co-dependency needs to control and fix other people. Yesterday I wrote about a friend’s terminal addiction to alcohol, and I think my deep excursion into electronic game playing last night was a means of escaping into a “comfort activity” so I would stop worrying about something I cannot fix.

Praying helps me a lot with accepting and living with things I cannot change, but once in a while, escape into something that totally occupies my mind and gives me a “time-out” from obsessive thinking about whatever is bothering me is extremely helpful. The “recovery guru” who sits in my head and facilitates the “healthier committee meetings” that take place therein has not failed, however, to remind me to be careful that whatever escape I find does not become just another addictive crutch.

Enough. I know severe thunderstorms and possible tornadoes are forecast for our region today, so I wish all my readers who live nearby a safe and hopefully uneventful day. Come to think of it, that is not a bad wish for everyone! May God bless and keep you.

Tags acceptance, addictive behavior, prayer

Categories recovery, Spirituality

Avoiding the “Bitter End”

February 19, 2014 //

Image courtesy of Salvatore Vuono/ FreeDigitalPhotos.net

My soul is troubled this afternoon. Someone I know is drinking herself to an early death. She has two choices: to continue drinking or to accept a spiritual life-line to recovery—-one that has been repeatedly thrown to her. She is periodically forced by circumstances to stop drinking momentarily and go through detox; at those times she tentatively grabs hold of the lifeline of recovery. Inevitably, she soon lets go and once again returns to drinking. Is she weak willed? Immoral? Hopeless? Evil? Manipulative? Perhaps and perhaps not. However, one thing is certain—— she is suffering from an illness and should no more be blamed for the symptoms of that illness than a child with a cold should be blamed for having a runny nose and a hacking cough.

Here’s what the founders of Alcoholics Anonymous had to say about the situation my friend finds herself caught up in:

“If you are as seriously alcoholic as we were, we believe there is no middle-of-the-road solution. We were in a position where life was becoming impossible, and if we had passed into the region from which there is no return through human aid, we had but two alternatives: One was to go on to the bitter end, blotting out the consciousness of our intolerable situation as best we could; and the other, to accept spiritual help.”

Wilson, Bill; Smith, Dr. Bob (2011-07-21). The Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous (Kindle Locations 542-545). . Kindle Edition.

This is exactly the dilemma my friend is facing—-she can continue drinking herself to death or she can accept spiritual help. For those of us who have chosen God’s spiritual help one day at a time and are experiencing the gift of recovery, it is extremely difficult to watch someone we care about consciously and deliberately choose to follow his or her alcoholic path “to the bitter end.”

I wish I could force my friend to “hit bottom” and choose living—–but I cannot. God gives each of us freedom of choice. I pray for my friend to want recovery bad enough to seek it and keep it; and I know many others are praying the same prayer. The most supportive thing we can do now is “back off” and let her experience the consequences of her actions in the hope that they will motivate her to choose recovery. In the back of our minds, though, is the knowledge that our friend might rather “drink to the bitter end.” It is hard to stand by and let someone make that choice, but we truly have to release the situation into the care of God’s hands.

Thanks for letting me get this “all out on cyber paper.” Just writing it helps. I hope some of you can join us in praying for our friend to make the right choice this time and to continue making it. May God bless and keep you.

Tags Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, detox, prayer

Categories recovery, Spirituality