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For some reason I feel driven to write about surrender today. Maybe because it is something I have to do over and over again. I am reminded of the AA saying about ego, that the three letters stand for “Easing God Out.” My points of surrender almost always have to occur when some person, place, or thing has caused a strong emotional reaction in me like the reactions that used to send me reaching for an alcoholic beverage or a  bag of choice chocolate chip cookies.

So, how does the concept of surrender relate to a program of recovery? One author (Anonymous, 1988) in A New Day: 365 Meditations for Personal and Spiritual Growth  (p.261) provides an answer by identifying what needs to be in place for surrender to occur:

“The first thing that must occur is for us to reach bottom—to become sick and tired of whatever it is that has been making us sick and tired: a character defect, an old idea, an unhealthy relationship, an obsession, or an illness—relatively minor problems as well as serious ones…Following that we must accept our powerlessness, conceding that it is futile to keep fighting the person, place, or thing causing us difficulty. We must also concede that it is beyond our capability to ‘fix’ the situation. we admit that we need help from a power greater than ourselves.”

Therefore, when I am upset by something, if I am willing to actually work through what is happening to me, I must stop relying on myself alone to “fix” the problem. I also need to examine what feelings, values, expectations, etc. underlie the problem because the problem may be within myself. I can, with God’s help, change my actions/thoughts that are contributing to the problem.

AA’s Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions identifies willingness to realign our will with God’s will as the key to entering recovery and to solving life’s problems in general. So, here are the highlights from today’s topic discussion I am going to “take home with me”:

1. I will stay mired in my problem(s) until I am willing to change and to seek help.
2. Surrender only happens when I am willing to give up my self-reliance and ask a Higher Power for help.
3. Even with God’s help, the only part of a problem I can usually “fix” or directly influence is myself—-my attitude, my expectations, my pride, etc.
4. Personally, the only surrender that will work for me is the conscious decision to align my will with God’s will for me and/or the situation.

Why did I need to follow this line of thought today? Well, to be honest, I wanted to fix a problem, someone else’s problem. My part in this “problem” was flirting with the idea that I could play God and fix the other person’s problem so they would no longer be in pain. I have to accept that I cannot, and I need to pray for knowledge of God’s will and the power to carry God’s will out. I need to release my friend and his problem to God in prayer while still supporting my friend whenever I can as long as my doing so is in alignment with God’s will and not my need to rescue or fix something other than myself. Enough. I look forward to hearing from you regarding your ideas about the topic of surrender. God bless and keep you.

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Vichaya Kiatyang-Angsulee/Free Digital Photos.net

Well, today is the day I swallow my pride (or try to) and address the topic of humility. In AA’s (1952) Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, the authors emphasized that humility does not mean being humiliated but does mean realizing the futility of self-reliance and focusing instead on an awareness of and willingness to  follow God’s direction. Furthermore, it argues that alcoholics need this characteristic to stay sober and that without it they will never by happy or lead useful lives…..and, when difficulties arise, they won’t have  the faith it takes to survive them.

Another author (Anonymous, 1988, p. 46) in A New Day 365 Mediations for Personal an Spiritual Growth has this to say about humility:

“It is a form of surrender, in the most positive spiritual sense. We gain humility by giving up our pride and self-will in order to seek and do God’s will. It is an honest, accurate gauge of our liabilities, weaknesses, strengths, and assets…One of the most important ways we acquire humility is by accepting our personal limitations…it requires humility on our part to recognize the need to seek help from a Power greater than ourselves.”

Humility, then, is something not only worth having but an essential foundation for spiritual growth even for those who are not recovering alcoholics. It  can be a scary thing to realize one’s personal limitations—to realize being self-reliant is not enough by itself. After all, movies, television, and novels—-and, yes, fairy tales—have indoctrinated us from childhood that if we are strong and persistent we can win out in the end. Just ask Bruce Willis or Clint Eastwood. I don’t know about you, but I have been forced by life’s lessons to abandon my belief in fairy tales…but, thank God, I can still believe in magic;  God’s grace has gifted with magic aplenty.

So, we are faced with a bit of challenge. What can we do to practice this type of humility?  A devotional reading I read this morning introduces a Buddhist concept, “beginner’s mind” that  suggests  we redirect our thoughts to a “beginner’s” mentality whenever we start assessing and judging our performance. Specifically, the devotional reading goes on to say, “Beginner’s mind can be applied to all of life. So many times pride is an attempt to puff ourselves up larger than we secretly think we are, which makes us anxious. Humility frees us from all that drama” (Forward DAY by DAY, 79(2), p.45).

Reading this quote this morning was what focused my attention on the concept of humility. I have been trying to understand and practice humility for quite some time, decades even. This paragraph simplifies the concept in a way  I can easily apply. Whenever I start blaming myself for not being properly humble or patting myself on the back for “finally getting it’—–I can just walk my consciousness back to starting position and remind myself each step is a beginning. That levels the playing field, takes care of my ego, and puts everything in the proper perspective. As I’ve often heard said, “I can’t; God can; I think I’ll let him.”

I look forward to reading your comments on the topic of “humility.” Thanks.

Image courtesy of By nuchylee, published on 06 January 2011
Stock Photo – image ID: 10026194/ FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Prayer has been described as a simple movement towards God—–one that works better when things are kept simple (The Daily Reader for Contemplative Living, Father Thomas Keating, 2005). Keeping things simple resonates with the often repeated 12 step phrase “Keep it simple, stupid (KISS).” I like being reminded to keep things simple without referring to myself as stupid—-I have enough trouble maintaining a healthy self concept as it is!

So, how does one keep prayer simple? Is it done by reading a written prayer so one does not have to think about the correct way to word things? Is it better to use traditional “holy” words? Is it important to try to impress others with the way we pray? My personal answer to the last three questions is “no.” But how do I keep prayer simple?

Well, of course, I don’t have the definitive answer to that question; nor do I claim to be an expert about prayer. I have been praying off and on for over 64 years, and I still consider myself a “prayer novice”. However, I do want to discuss some of my opinions and select ideas shared by Father Thomas Keating about the subject:

• Prayer is about building relationship with God (defined and perceived by the person who is praying
• “It [prayer] can be a wordless turning or opening of our awareness to God, whom we know is present.” (Keating, 2005, p. 232),

•  Sometimes the most effective prayer is just being still and “resting in God” in a private place within ourselves (Keating, 2005, p. 299).

•  “Contemplative prayer, ….is the opening of mind and heart—our whole being—to God beyond thoughts, words, and emotions. Moved by God’s sustaining grace we open our awareness to God, who we know by faith is within us, closer than breathing, closer than thinking, closer than choosing—closer than consciousness itself.”(Keating, 2005, p. 280).

Entire books about prayer have been written. So, I had best stop trying to list all of the things about prayer that I think are important. When I was a child I took things literally, and for a long time I thought I was supposed to go into a closet to pray (I had probably heard this in a Sunday school lesson). As I grew, my prayers became more personal, and I moved out of the closet. By the time I graduated from college, I celebrated my oneness with God in prayer in a very personal, hand-in-hand meeting with God in a vision enabled by a one-time only use of LSD. Fortunately, for me, I carried the spiritual lessons learned from that adventure within my soul to fuel my future spiritual growth.

I am not advocating the use of mind altering drugs to build a relationship with God. I have since learned that, as implied above, God was and is within me—-and all I need do is just be still,  and quiet my mind to connect with this sacred part of my being. Drugs are  not needed to connect with the God within me, and they are certainly not needed to share God’s love and message with others.

So, to summarize:  Prayer is about quieting myself and opening my awareness so I can be receptive to God. That means, for me, prayer is as much about listening as it is asking or thanking God for specific things. Prayer is also action. Prayer is almost like dancing with God—-trusting God enough to let God lead so that my  prayer through action can express God’s love and compassion.

Enough about my thoughts on prayer. I hope to hear from some of you about your thoughts on the topic of prayer. Have a blessed day!

I was thumbing through A New Day: 365 Meditations for Personal and Spiritual Growth (Anonymous, 1989) when I ran across the following:  “Thought for Today: Your sobriety is God’s gift to you. What you do with your sobriety is your gift to God” (p.266).

Reading that statement made me stop and think. I believe this is true about all the gifts I have been given by God. I have many gifts from God, and what I do with them is important. If I collect God’s gifts and keep them to myself, then they lose their magic. It is only when I share them with others that they have meaning. There is a 12 step saying that “if you don’t give it away, you’ll lose it.” This underscores the importance of “passing it on” so that the magic of whatever gift you’ve been given can be shared with others and kept alive.

St. Francis is attributed with saying, “For it is in giving that we receive…”. The true essence of a gift from God cannot be truly appreciated unless it is shared with others. The act of sharing allows  us to experience the love inherent in God’s gift. There are many ways such shared love can be perceived. For instance, we can see it in the smile of the one with whom we’ve shared it, in a person’s expressed excitement when a new concept first makes sense, and when relief replaces worry in someone’s facial expression. If we keep God’s gifts all “bottled up” inside us and never share them, they can “go flat”—– much like carbonation goes out of a soda that is set aside for later and never drunk.

What are your thoughts about “it is in giving that we receive”—-that what we do with a gift from God is our gift to God?

I look forward to reading your comments.

At first I thought this was just another trite 12-step cliché. Then life taught me differently.  Somehow, by the time I was an adult, I had come to not only expect a bit of drama or crisis in everything but to consciously or unconsciously contribute to its creation. It was what I was used to; what would I do if there wasn’t some small crisis or excitement in my life to deal with on a regular basis? How boring would that be?

Then, with early recovery, came the realization that what I’d really been doing was “drinking over the drama” rather than constructively solving anything. Had I been so hooked on adrenaline that I’d have to “come down” by drinking? Or was I just creating excuses to drink? I realized, also, that there was more to life than living in a broth of superficial drama. The 12 step program called it serenity. People start 12 step meetings by asking God for serenity. But when I was new in recovery, I didn’t know what to do with serenity when I got it….again, in comparison to what I was used to, it was “boring.” In fact,  it took me a while to determine that what I was experiencing as “boredom” was what “normal people” would consider peace of mind or serenity. Fortunately, I chose to learn to appreciate serenity rather than returning to an adrenaline-driven  self-destructive lifestyle.

Beyond that, “no big deals” took on additional meaning for me as I grew in recovery. It came to mean that no matter what, there was absolutely nothing my Higher Power and myself could not handle together. One of the 12 Step Program’s promises is “God will do for us what we cannot do for ourselves.” Once I experienced this grace (gift from God) I realized that I didn’t need to drink whenever a crisis or problem loomed. In fact, drinking or binging on food would have just made the problem worse.

I  have had the privilege of traveling to Barnes Jewish Hospital four times during these past two years; twice by ambulance and twice in the company of life-saving friends. Each time, I was admitted and told my small intestine was partially blocked and that I needed surgery to solve the problem.  I was in great pain during these episodes; I was dehydrated from continually vomiting; and I did not enjoy having medical staff start IVs  and insert a naso-gastric tube through my nose down into my stomach.

Knowing God was there with me to help me “handle it” made everything bearable.  During all four of my hospital stays, staff worked to  stabilize me so that I would be strong enough to undergo surgery, and God helped my intestinal blockage to resolve itself  so that surgery was not needed. I have learned when I need to seek and accept medical care, and I know God will do the rest.  My absolute belief in the power of God to do for me what I cannot do for myself regardless of how big and insurmountable a problem I encounter has grown out of these experiences. I now know there are “no big deals” my Higher Power and myself cannot handle.

Please comment on what the phrase “there are no big deals” means in your experience of living one day at a time. I look forward to  hearing what you have to say!

Our lives are filled with exhortations to seek beauty and youth. Age is presented in commercials almost as if it were a preventable disease. Commercials tell us that having no fat, no gray hair, no wrinkles, no pimples, no balding, and  wearing designer clothes are the things that make us beautiful. The same media commercials tell us we will be sexy if we drink the right drinks or drive the right cars.

But what is true beauty and how do you recognize it and attain it?

To be honest, I don’t know. I do know that true beauty, in my opinion, is internal—–it is built on the spiritual foundation of one’s soul. All of the things I have been taught mean beauty are not really connected with true beauty; in fact, trying to attain the things dictated by our society as indicating beauty may, in fact, hinder our acquisition of true beauty.

Yes, I’ll admit I like looking in the mirror and seeing I’ve lost weight and that, although I am 64, I still do not have an visible gray hairs on my head. But if I really look in that mirror, I can see wrinkles, bulges, blemishes, and, yes, a stray albino white hair or two. So,  how do people feel beautiful when society tells them they aren’t?

Well, I’ve thought about this, briefly, and here is the list of  ten “true beauty indicators” I have come up with:

1. Realizing life is not “all about me”
2. Being focused on the needs of others rather than my own
3. Trying to treat others as I would like them to treat me
4. Being aware of and responding to the “God” that is in each of us
5. Not trying to control or fix others
6. Not doing things to seek attention or praise (or, dare I say, money?)
7. Not being afraid to do something because I can’t do it perfectly
8. Nurturing the habit of praying often
9. Listening without thinking about what I am going to say when the other person stops talking
10. Not  angrily demanding  that all those drivers in front of me use turn signals before they turn rather than not at all or at the very second they start to turn

As you can see, items on this list can be serious or humorous….and almost endless. Therefore, I invite you to add your indicators to the list. Enjoy.  I look forward to reading them.

Note: I will be out of touch with all things Internet for several days, so there will be a delay in my responding to your comments. Thank you for your patience.

First, relapse is the term used to indicate that one who has stopped drinking and/or drugging and was in recovery starts drinking or drugging again. Like most things, relapse can be viewed from both a negative and positive angle.

Negative Viewpoint

Relapse is, unfortunately, often viewed as a glaring personal failure and a sign of weakness.  Viewing it this way can fuel additional drug and/or alcohol use to drown out feelings of guilt and failure. This viewpoint is steeped in  the historical stigma associated with addiction and alcoholism.  This negative view of relapse  is logical if a society does not accept the disease theory of addiction  and thinks stopping addiction is a matter of personal will power and “just saying no.”

Positive Viewpoint

Relapse can provide an opportunity to start over again. It can provide the foundation for building a stronger recovery. If individuals who have relapsed seek help and commit to building a stronger recovery, then they can draw from their experience to keep relapse  from happening again.

Using Relapse Positively

Once people re-enter recovery, their sponsor or counselor should assist them in examining what thoughts and behaviors triggered the relapse. Were they around others who were drinking or using? What were they thinking? What were they feeling? Had they stopped going to meetings and calling their twelve step sponsor? All of these things and more can contribute to relapse.

Strong emotional reactions are especially hard for newly recovering individuals to handle because they have become accustomed to numbing their feelings with their drug/drink of choice.  It is only natural for them to want to numb any strong emotions that surface, and many do early in recovery because the emergent feelings can be overwhelming. Once it is determined what contributed to the relapse, it is extremely important that the person who relapsed makes a conscientious effort to avoid the people, places, or things (thoughts, impulses, feelings, etc.) that triggered the relapse.

P lease comment. I will be out of touch from the Internet for several days; therefore, it may be a while before I respond to your comments. Thank you for your patience.

This will be strictly one person’s opinion of what the often used term “dry drunk” means. I am certain that if you were to ask ten different people in the recovery community what the term means, you would most likely get ten different explanations. That said, please bear in mind that this is only one person’s opinion.

First, what “dry drunk” doesn’t mean:

• someone is intoxicated but dry to touch
• someone is acting intoxicated even though they have not had a drop to drink
• all of a drunk’s liquor bottles are empty

Second, what it does mean:

• someone has stopped drinking but still thinks like a drunk
• someone has stopped drinking but not changed any of the characteristics that lead to his or her drinking
• someone in recovery (clean and sober) who suddenly, and hopefully temporarily, reverts to his or her old ways of thinking that led the individual to drinking in the first place

What it implies:

• someone needs to focus (or re-focus) on working the AA 12 step program of recovery beyond “just stopping drinking”
• someone is at risk for relapsing (starting drinking/using again)
• someone identifies what stress triggered old ways of thinking and uses AA principles to work through the problem rather than letting habitual ways of thinking trigger relapse

Note: the term “stinking thinking” is also recovery jargon for a person in recovery thinking like he or she did when they were still drinking or drugging.

Please comment. However, I will be out of touch from the Internet for several days. Therefore, it may be a while before I respond to your comments. Thank you for your patience.

Frequently, people in recovery paraphrase Alcoholics Anonymous (4th edition, 2001, p. 417) and remind each other,  “Acceptance is the answer.”  The context of what they are paraphrasing can best be explained by the following quote (p. 417):  “And acceptance is the answer to all my problems today. When I am disturbed, it is because I find some person, place, thing, or situation—-some fact of my life—-unacceptable to me and I can find no serenity until I accept that person, place, thing, or situation as being exactly the way it is supposed to be at this moment.”

Another source (A New Day, 1989, p. 174) has this to say about acceptance:

“Today the goal is to accept circumstances and situations as they are, rather than as we wish them to be. When we ‘go with the flow’ instead of trying to dodge adversity or bulldoze our way through it, the quality of our lives improves greatly…..acceptance brings release from our problems. Peace of mind follows, in contrast to the frustration and anxiety we had known before.”

There is a great deal of wisdom in these quotes. They clarify that most of our problems (physical, emotional or otherwise) would not exist if we would just “accept life on life’s terms.” They also emphasize that most if not all of our problems, frustrations, and anxiety are a by-product of having unrealistic expectations that we can control whatever is in our environment (including ourselves)  to match our personal specifications.

People in recovery are also quick to point out the only thing we can change is ourselves. If one accepts this as truth, then one cannot be disappointed, angered, or otherwise negatively influenced by unrealistic expectations not being met. We do not direct the play, we can only influence a single actor—–ourselves and how we respond to our reality.

For instance, yesterday evening I got to watch “everyone else” eat cookies and “high-end” chocolate at an event I attended. Numerous people graciously offered me some of each.  I could have accepted their offers and eaten cookies and chocolate for quite some time.  Then, since I am a diet controlled Type II diabetic, my consequent blood sugars would have made me very sick. I cannot control my body’s reaction to specific foods.  I’ve tried doing so many times in the past, and I have found doing so always gets me in trouble. So, I can either accept this and enjoy what I can eat—–or I can eat high-sugar  content foods and suffer the consequences. Being happy with my life on life’s terms gave me much more peace of mind than I otherwise would have had.

Another example is my tendency to be a “people pleaser.” Some of you may wonder what that term means. To me, it means I have a tendency to want other people to always react positively to me. Wanting others to always accept and like me is not a realistic expectation—–besides that, it is a rather selfish one that expects those in my world to realize “it’s all about me.” I am amazed, after all these years, at the extent to which I allow unrealistic expectation to rob my of peace of mind. I have made a lot of progress in this area, and  I am glad I do not unrealistically expect myself to be totally free of this character defect…..if I did, then I’d just be failing at acceptance once again and adding to my frustration.

Please comment on your thoughts about acceptance—-what it is and what it means in your life. I look forward to reading your comments. I will be away from Internet access for several days, so I may be slow in responding to your comments. Thank you for your patience.