Archives for category: recovery

Accepting Moderation

December 29, 2013 //

Image courtesy of Stuart Miles/ FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Just heard a commercial on television for a movie where the narrator announces “moderation is for cowards.” Finally, I have it on good authority I am not a coward! Somehow that still doesn’t make my “nothing in moderation” memories any easier to bear. Now, I am watching a re-run of a Law and Order Special Victims Unit episode about alcoholism and blackouts. The attorney who was an alcoholic basher has to face her own alcoholism in this episode, and the defendant who got off on a miss-trial has to live with the knowledge he’ll never know if he killed a stranger during a blackout or not. An expert during the trial testified about evidence supporting the fact that alcoholism is a neurological disease.

As for my other “main addiction,” compulsive eating, not being a coward doesn’t make it any easier to live with trigger foods, food cravings, and binge eating or addictive dieting/exercise. There is probably a neuro-biological justification for that “condition” also. With alcohol, you can stop drinking. With food, you have to eat to stay alive.

I am not going to make any New Year’s resolutions about any of this because the only reprieve I have is a daily gift from my Higher Power. My addictions are what they are. Thank heaven the solution is what it is for both of them. God does do for me what I cannot do for myself. Even with these gifts those of us in recovery have to live in reality; we don’t automatically live happily ever after—-nor does anyone, for that matter. Those of us in recovery are often well acquainted with depression. Many times we have residual physical problems left over to remind us of previous excesses. Sometimes we cross-addict to something else that eventually kills us; many in recovery die from problems associated with smoking——an addiction that, compared to alcoholism, can seem relatively safe.

Where am I going with this? I am not sure. I am presently “recovering” and recuperating from my drive back home after spending Christmas with family. What used to be an enjoyable experience I looked forward to, driving to and from my father’s house, is now a major challenge. The trip back took two hours more than it should have. Seven hours became nine hours. Emergent GI problems which necessitated multiple stops along the way and painful arthritic wrists added to the challenge. I am grateful to have arrived home, and I am working on accepting my mind, body, and eyesight (after dark driving with beginning level cataracts is the pits!) are all altering as I age.

I am grateful for God giving me almost an entire year without having to be hospitalized. Even though medical experts cannot explain my reoccurring partial small bowel blockages, this year has taught me stress plays a big role in contributing to them. I have consciously tried to avoid as much stress as I can since my last hospitalization, and I think limiting my driving trips to my father’s and back to only two trips this year has probably helped me do so along with all the other changes I have instituted in my life such as deep breathing, centering prayer, meditation, lavender-based aroma therapy, and just “saying no” to being over-extended .

The time spent with my almost 92 year old father was a true gift from God, and I thank Creator for giving me the special time I was able to share with him. I would not have missed it for the world. I think I am starting to realize I am becoming a coward. I am learning moderation in some things. Sometimes I do so kicking and screaming, sometimes I am a bit more receptive.

As we approach the New Year I ask Creator to continue to help me accept moderation on an as-needed basis, and for all my friends who can still celebrate seeing the New Year in with the help of alcoholic beverages, I pray that Creator also gives you the gift of moderation or a designated driver to see you safely home. God bless and keep you.

Tags addiction, alcoholism, compulsive eating, Creator, God, moderation, recovery

Categories recovery, Spirituality

Seasonal Accouterments

December 21, 2013 //

Image courtesy of Feelart/ FreeDigitalPhotos.net

It is a dreary, gray day. At least we are not getting slammed with snow and ice like other places are on this, the first day of winter. I’ll take rain and temps in the fifties any day over freezing temps, sleet, and snow.

It seems like a good day for a nap. My dogs are all curled up snoozing away. There is an intermittent gurgle coming from my essential oil diffuser, and the fiber optic light show on my little Christmas tree is blinking its magic.

Perhaps it is time for me to quietly reflect on what Christmas means to me now that I am an evolving elder and am no longer a child. Am I simply celebrating a birthday of a religious figure born centuries ago? Am I caught up in being the best “gifter” in my family or circle of friends? Does it mean sending a Christmas Card filled not so much with wishes for a blessed Christmas as much as bragging of family accomplishments?

I can only give my answer for this moment. I have not sent Christmas cards. I have the single, small, aforementioned Christmas tree blinking in a corner of my living room. I am wearing Christmas themed socks as well as a Christmas themed sweat shirt. I have been and am being a “busy little Christmas elf” as I crochet gifts for my family and friends.

But, all that aside, Christmas is not about “extraneous accouterments” for me this year. I have been seeing Christmas through a new “lens” in my proverbial sunglasses. I have been taking intermittent excursions inward, seeking to communicate with God as I understand him, and focusing on building a stronger, more intimate spiritual relationship with my Creator. Christmas is a miracle that is taking place in my soul as I reunite with my Creator, acknowledge and accept his love, and attempt to share that love with others.

Is this magical event limited to the last month of the year? To December 25th? No. I am participating in a relationship that lasts for eternity. God’s love is always there, but it is up to me be aware of it, accept it, and share it. Somehow, doing so is much more important than simply saying “Happy Birthday!” one day a year. I am coming to believe life is meant to be a continuous celebration of God’s love and creation, one day at time, throughout eternity.

Take Care. Stay safe, dry, and warm. May God bless and keep you.

Tags Christmas, Creator, Love

Categories love, recovery, Spirituality

Christmas Cookies

December 20, 2013 //

Image courtesy of Grant Cochrane/ FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Well, I’ve done it again. I’ve set my moral-emotional barometer all “a-twitter.” I just made the mistake of reading all the “think like I do or else you’re wrong, stupid, evil, etc.” messages that I could stand on Facebook before I gave up and started writing this. Why do we have to spread hate and ill-will when we are put on this earth to love one another? I even fell into posting a response to one that reminded those that were commenting that it is up to God to judge rather than ourselves. After I posted, I realized I’d fallen into the “got to have the last word trap” that made me just another judging, condemning, ill-will spreading person who thinks my thoughts and opinions are superior.

Maybe it is time for me to take a serious look at why I spend so much time perusing Facebook/social media. On it I find spiritually uplifting messages, beautiful photos, poems full of beauty and wisdom, prayers, and friendly messages of support. I post an invitation to read my daily blogs on Facebook, and I maintain my church’s Facebook site with a daily prayers and bible verses. There is, obviously, positive material of value on Facebook. It is what lies between the positive highlights that hurts my soul—–yet I read most of it. Why? I realize I have both good and evil in my soul. Reading the hurtful, negative, judgmental things feeds the evil that lurks in my soul, and I still choose to read them. Am I looking for a false self “jolt” of erroneously feeling superior? Do I like getting upset and feeling indignant?

And, then, there are the posted recipes for all the yummy foods—–foods that would eventually kill me were I to start eating them again. Do they trigger compulsive eating relapses? Not yet. Does my mouth water? Sometimes. Luckily, the craving is short lived because I re-frame my thoughts around “following through” what would happen if I gave into temptation. Then there are the jokes about drinking. I should be able to realize it is normal for normal people to joke about drinking desires——after all, I am certainly used to recovering alcoholics joking about drinking consequences. These pro-drinking Facebook posts are teaching me to accept I am not normal, but other people are and I need to accept it. All of the luscious recipes should be doing a similar thing rather than making my mouth water. I hate to admit it, but I am still copying, pasting, and saving some of those tempting recipes. It as if part of me still buys into the fantasy that I “will be normal” someday and be able to eat like “regular people”—–whatever that is.

I have recently been privileged to learn something important about the behavior and emotions I sometimes experience when those I am with are offered a special food treat as a token of warmth and hospitality—-a token I have to refuse for health-related reasons. If I catch myself feeling sorry for myself or feeling left out because I am a diabetic and can’t partake I am sometimes able to realize what I am really missing is the emotional intent of the gift I have to decline. A good friend recently offered me a friendly hug at just such a time. It was exactly what I needed. Thanks to that insight, I am learning to thank people for their thoughtfulness and to ask them for a hug instead if it feels appropriate to do so.

Loosely summarized, today’s topic is handling “Christmas Cookies” that are irritating or bothersome for some reason or another during this busy season. May all your “Christmas Cookies” be filled with love and peace rather than symbolic of minor little irritating things. May God bless and keep you.

Tags approach-avoidance, compulsive eating, Facebook postings, hugs, Love

Categories love, recovery, Spirituality

Finding Balance

December 18, 2013 //

Image courtesy of Vlado/ FreeDigitalPhotos.net

I am fortunate enough today to have a friend visiting this morning to share coffee and conversation. One of her comments caught my attention. She was looking at my “Mother-in-law’s Tongue” plant, and she commented, “You’ve got babies—- your plant is doing really well.”

I was shocked. I never remember to water plants. Only two of five plants are currently surviving in this house; one is oregano and the other is this plant. I haven’t watered it in at least two months. My friend told me the one she has is not doing well because she waters it too often.

I know there is a message in this somewhere I need to pay attention to for some reason. Is it that procrastination can sometimes be healthy? Much as I’d like to think that, I am not comfortable doing so. I think the message I am supposed to get is probably more like “some things are better left alone giving them their own time and space to grow.” Sometimes giving too much support and nurturance can suffocate people or at the very least impede their growth. I need to learn to know when to back off so that I won’t make things worse for my friends by not giving them the space they need to learn to face their own challenges independently. I have other friends that are like the plants that have died in my house…..they need more support, nurturance, and direction than I am comfortable giving unless I am acting in a professional capacity providing care to a patient—–which is never appropriate outside the boundaries of that role.

Then there are the lessons about learning what I need from others. When do I need help and support? When do I need others to step back so I can learn to conquer my own challenges with God’s help? Examples that quickly come to mind are the two gentlemen who came and shoveled snow and ice off my driveway. That was help I definitely needed; I also needed help from my friend who picked up and brought my prescription refill to me. Beyond that, I needed to learn to overcome my own challenges. I slipped on ice a couple of times walking to and from my care in my travels out and about after that, but one friend reminded me I could buy “Stablilicers” (advertised as “studded snow tires for your feet”) so I can be more independent with less threat of falling.

My slip-on cleats were delivered to my door yesterday. I just opened them up and tried them on my shoes; they fit perfectly. This detail reminds me that there is a magic “perfect” point between being too dependent and healthily independent. The same goes for how I relate to my friends; there is a perfect “independence/dependence” fit that is different for each individual. I need to remember to ask God for knowledge of his/her/Creator’s will and the power to carry it out——-not only in how I water my plants but in how I relate to others in the dance of friendship. May God bless and keep you.

Tags balance, dependence, friendship, independence, prayer

Categories recovery, Spirituality

Butterfly Wings

December 15, 2013 //

Image courtesy of thawats/ FreeDigitalPhotos.net

I realized as I listened to the sermon in church this morning that a good deal of my life has been spent on spiritual waiting. In terms of my own spiritual development, God has been doing most of the waiting for me to realize, begin to understand, and begin to accept the gift of immeasurable love that has always been waiting for me.

In regards to my career, I realized most of what I have done as a psychiatric nurse and professor has been to plant seeds. I realized that the majority of my professional time has actually been spent practicing spiritual waiting for the seeds to grow in God’s time following God’s plan rather than my own.

I realized I spent most of yesterday worrying about two friends, one who is suffering from depression and the other from addiction relapse. I know intellectually I cannot “fix” their situations, but that doesn’t keep me from wanting things to be better for them. I have to accept my role as a supportive friend is one of spiritual waiting. I can offer human caring and support, but the active healing process for both friends is between them and the God of their choosing. I can suggest tools, options, and opinions—-but it is up to each individual to make his or her own decisions and to travel his or her own spiritual pathway.

During the sermon (I still use the old “protestant terms” I grew up with; my apologies to my Episcopalian friends and colleagues) the priest also talked about passion and the different meanings that concept can have. The one we are most familiar with is the one that has to do with strong emotions and/or lust. We are also familiar with having intense passion for specific activities or objects. An example of the latter, would be my newly found passion of trying to communicate my spiritual journey and thoughts in written words.

Then, there is the religious meaning associated with Christ’s death. At this point that the sermon went into new territory for me. It seems Christ’s passion was not only the suffering type most often alluded to in sermons. It was also composed of two other variants of passion. One type of passion occurs when one is powerless and cannot control what is happening to him or her. Twelve step recovery has taught me quite a bit about that one—–as has being a patient at Barnes Jewish Hospital numerous times. I have thought about Christ’s painful suffering, but never of Christ being unable to control what happened immediately prior to and during his crucifixion. The fact that Jesus was incarnated in human form would support that his human form was powerless and could not control what was happening. I will be doing some extensive thinking about this variant.

The last variant discussed in terms of Christ’s passion was that having to do with the “handing over” of something. It seems that the word betrayal can also mean handing over….as Christ was by Judas prior to his crucifixion. The priest also implied that Christ “handed over” his spirit to God when he said, “It is finished.” For the first time ever, I realized perhaps betrayal is necessary for positive outcomes to occur. With that thought came the realization that what I had always considered a negative betrayal prior to my last divorce was instead the impetus for a good deal of spiritual growth which otherwise might not have occurred. It forced me to turn my life and my will over to the care of God as I understood him. I have been learning to fly as a free spirit of God. I have had many lessons to strengthen my “butterfly wings.” At that moment in church this morning, a small kernel of gratitude was planted in my heart. I am finally able to fully release the hurt and truly forgive the one who betrayed me because he actually set me free.

Tags betrayal, butterfly, Christ, forgiveness, God, passion

Categories recovery, Spirituality

Self-Imposed Solitude

December 10, 2013 //

Photo, courtesy of Joshua Burgard

Today’s quote:

“Loneliness expresses the pain of being alone and solitude expresses the glory of being alone.”

—-Paul Tillich (1987)

Days of Healing, Days of Joy, meditation for March 12, San Francisco, Harper & Row.

Somehow, it seemed appropriate to approach this topic on this the sixth day of my self-imposed solitude. I’m not sure I am counting correctly since a friend drove me to and from a meeting last night where I got to spend some quality time with “my people” talking about a spiritual approach to recovery.

Being around people who were smiling and laughing as well as sharing profound and serious insights integral to their recovery was a well appreciated break from being with just my four dogs. And, thankfully, I have not been totally isolated. After all, I have had my mobile phone and the Internet to keep me in touch with friends and family. Plus, I was lucky enough to have friends drop by two or three times.

My biggest reason for my self-imposed solitude was to avoid venturing out into the ice and snow. Some might call my reasons just plain fear; others might even go so far as to call them a phobia. I just remember driving down hill on ice in Kansas City and sliding off the road—-finally stopping only inches from a telephone pole. That was back in the seventies, and I’ve had several successful “snow and ice” driving escapades since then, but I prefer to remain at home if possible when ice is involved. This is especially true since I have been diagnosed with osteopenia, which means I have bone density lower than normal but not low enough to be considered osteoporosis. I am naturally a klutz with little or no balance and have intermittent vertigo, so when I throw those things into the equation, I do tend to be overly careful about avoiding ice.

Enough about why I have experienced self-imposed solitude voluntarily for so many days. I really want to focus on what, for me, is the difference between solitude and loneliness. When I experience solitude, it means that I am happy in my own skin doing what I am doing and am totally comfortable in my surroundings. I can experience loneliness in the exact same environment, doing the exact same activities—-the only thing that has changed when I am lonely is my emotional status and/or attitude. When I am lonely, it is like there is this big void deep within myself that needs filled, and no matter how busy I stay or how much or often I eat, or how many video Internet games I win, I still feel restless and driven. In the old days I would have lit up a cigarette and poured a drink, but those behaviors are long gone from my repertoire, by the grace of God.

So, how do I alter my attitude when I am aware I have shifted into loneliness? Prayer helps, both the speaking and listening kind. Listening to calming music helps. Talking to friends helps. Mostly, for me, it takes realizing the enemy is “desire”—-especially since it is a free-floating non-specific, restless desire. At those times I have to talk to God and to listen to God. I need to realize all that really matters is being in relationship with God. Then everything else falls into place. I can live life on life’s terms in solitude as long as I realize God’s love and compassion are always present. Some would say that is not solitude because I am in relationship with God. I won’t argue that, but I know when I don’t allow God to be there with me to fill the “restless void” I get stuck in being lonely and restless.

I will close with a quote from the same source and page as the one this evening’s blog began with: “It may be said the road that runs between loneliness and solitude is the highway of recovery.” I think I agree with that, and I am grateful my recovery has gifted me with solitude and the ability to return to it whenever I choose to do so.

Please comment and share your thoughts about being the difference between being lonely and being comfortable in solitude. May God bless and keep you.

Tags God, loneliness, prayer, recovery, solitude

Categories recovery, Spirituality

Heeding Warnings

December 9, 2013 //

Image courtesy of Supertrooper/ FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Today my microwave talked back to me. It called me a child! Not once, but several times it blinked the word “child” at me. Now, I could take this as an advent message that a child is coming. I could take it as a warning that I am close to entering my second childhood. Mostly, I wondered what was going on with my microwave——until I realized I had punched the start button multiple times rather than the 1 minute button. My error had indicated to a computerized machine that a child was playing with it. I suppose the microwave is pre-programmed to warn parents when they need to watch and teach their child to stay away from the microwave.

Yesterday a friend told me about a new bra that is supposedly out on the market with electrodes in it to detect when your heart rate elevates because you want to eat something you shouldn’t. That brought all sorts of silly thoughts to my head. Ones such as, “women who wear this should stay out of the rain” or “it would be awkward when your ‘battery is low warning’ started chirping.” Then I wondered how on earth such a contraption could differentiate between causes of a rise in heart rate…..like would it warn me my heart rate was elevated after I’d climbed three flights of stairs or watched a good looking, tanned, muscular man with a gorgeous smile walk be? Granted these were all flights of fantasy, especially the last scenario.

Seriously, what earthly good would an electrical warning that your body was turned on by something unhealthy have on stopping addictive behavior? Didn’t God create a conscience in us that lets us know when we are contemplating something we shouldn’t do? When did that ever stop someone with an addictive personality from eating, drinking, drugging, etc.?

By now, you are probably wondering what the “topic” of today’s blog is. Basically, although camouflaged by my circuitous writing style, it is the topic of “warnings” and how we respond to them. Most of the time, I already realize something I am contemplating is not healthy for me or someone else. Fortunately, trying to follow a spiritual program of recovery helps me respond positively to those whispered warnings from that “still, small voice” that comes from deep within my soul. Sometimes, I ignore such warnings, and proceed anyway. Usually such willful, self-directed action forces me into what those in recovery call “teachable moments.” That is why I am glad God loves me enough to forgive me and once again help me handle what I cannot handle by myself if I am only willing to allow him to do so.

Well, that is enough meandering for this morning. Please comment and share your thoughts about how we receive and respond to warnings. Be warm, dry, and safe. May God bless and keep you.

Tags addictive behavior, God, warnings

Categories recovery, Spirituality

Asking Why

December 5, 2013 //

Image courtesy of Stuart Miles/ FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Asking Why

“Don’t let your will roar when your power only whispers.”

—– Thomas Fuller

(accessed on 12/5/13 at http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/quotes/t/thomasfull151926.html)

That quote brought an uneasy chuckle to my lips and had me shaking my head more than once. I hate it when some quote hits me between the eyes like this one did. It means I need to listen. I need to pay attention.

This one made me think about all the times I’ve wasted in my life being willful and repeatedly trying to do or fix something all by myself when I actually had no power to do so. I’d like to think I’ve “grown out” of this character defect, but the truth is I still can get caught up in my own stubborn self-will more often than I like to admit.

In two meetings I’ve participated in this past week, the topic of “asking why” was a topic of discussion. I often enjoy asking why and trying to figure out what makes something do what it is doing. And, yes, I can use asking why as a smoke screen to keep myself from focusing on what I’m going to do about a problem rather than wasting my time analyzing it to death.

Somehow understanding something gives me a sense of control, of being “safe,” if you will. If I understand the answer to why, maybe I can avoid encountering the same problem or situation again in the future. This line of reasoning, comes from my upbringing because I always wanted to know why I was getting in trouble and why what I was doing was wrong. I was scolded for “talking back” when I would ask why, so now, being the emancipated elder adult that I am—–I still love having the freedom to ask why. Actually, when I was a small child, my “why question” may have been the safest way for me to disagree or rebel. So when I ask why in the present sometimes I can get caught up in asking why because of my allergy to authority.

That last sentence brings me back to today’s quote—–when I feel my power is threatened (especially by an “authority” outside myself) I often explode in “self will run riot”. My response is very much like whistling in the dark with my “roaring will” to cover up and/or hide from myself the fact that I am feeling powerless threatened. I know in my soul God uses my feeling powerless to make me teachable and right-sized. It can force acceptance and initiate healing. But knowing this can, for me, be far removed from actually letting God do His magic. I have to focus on “feeding my willingness” to surrender, let go, and let God. One of the ways I do this is by reminding myself of something I’ve been telling clients for years—-“knowing why is not as important as figuring out what you are going to do about it.” Real wisdom comes with the realization that “what I’m going to do about it” is turn it over to God so he and I can work on it together.

I am slowly learning to trust God rather than getting bogged down in intellectualizing, asking why, and otherwise rebelling. I am learning to trust what God is creating in me when I am willing to release a character defect—-which, in this case, is my willingness to stop rebelling against my lack of control/power, to willingly ask God for help, and to accept that help. I am learning to trust that when I give up something has always been one of my problematic ways of reacting to life God will create something better to take its place. When I can practice surrender and acceptance rather than rebellion, worry, and fear it is amazing how much more easy and peaceful my life is!

I hope all these meandering words will make sense to my readers. I hope some of you will comment about the role “asking why” plays in your life. May God bless and keep you.

Tags acceptance, character defect, God, self-will, surrender

Categories recovery, Spirituality, Uncategorized

The Cat’s Meow

December 3, 2013 //

Image courtesy of Tina Phillips/ FreeDigitalPhotos.net

The Cat’s Meow

My mind this morning is fixated on the love shared between person and pet(s). Perhaps it is because my best friend just lost a beloved four-legged from among the many she has saved and is saving with her rescue mission. Whatever the cause, the bond between people and animals kept being brought to my attention this morning as I worked on finding a bible reading and prayer for my church’s Facebook page and again when I randomly opened a couple of meditation books this morning.

First, in Proverbs 12:10 (NLT), I encountered this message: “The godly are concerned for the well being of their animals, but even the kindness of the wicked is cruel.” Next, the meditation written about this verse ended with a prayer by Ashley Kappel: “Thank You, Lord, for friends and family, both human and those of the fur-covered variety. Experiencing their love allows us a glimpse into the abundance that awaits us in heaven. [Amen.]” (Editors, Guideposts, 2012-10-01. Daily Guideposts 2013 (Kindle Locations 5104-5106). Guideposts Books. Kindle Edition).

Next, my Higher Power sent me to a mediation in a 2008 volume of Daily Guideposts to a meditation written by Rick Hamlin (pp. 262-263) in which he describes how his cat kept demanding his attention one day by constantly meowing. He checked her food and water, and it was found to be adequate. He followed his cat all around his house. The cat kept meowing. In desperation, he finally set down on his kitchen floor and just cuddled with and loved his cat. Both were happy at that point. The author of the mediation saw this situation as a metaphor for how we can wander restless, wanting something, looking for something, and feeling anxious until we allow ourselves to stop, relax, and feel God’s love.

I found this simple metaphor very comforting after being embroiled in countless theological discussions of what is God, where is God, how does God manifest, what do theologians say, what do the experts say, what do different religions and authors say, etc. I have less and less patience for such discussions at times—perhaps because I had to suffer through years of similar discussions while I earned my doctorate and later countless faculty meetings where hardly anything was ever said succinctly.

I am surrounded by and filled with God’s love. When I let myself be still and connect with this love my “free-floating” anxiety ceases to exist. I know I am one with the one eternal truth—God’s love. Once I connect with this love, I am relaxed and energized. This allows me to “be active” in God’s love by compassionately sharing it with others. Thank you, God for making this possible.

Please comment and share your thoughts about how the pets in your life connect you with God’s love. May God bless and keep you.

Tags God, Love, pets, prayer

Categories recovery, Spirituality, Uncategorized

For Heaven’s Sake

August 7, 2013 //

Image courtesy of artur84/ FreeDigitalPhotos.net

“Oh, for heaven’s sake!” People often used this as an expletive where I grew up. I grew up in the midst of God fearing people who were very careful not to curse. The words “Gosh” and “Darn” were not even allowed. If you said “Son of a Gun!” you were in real trouble. But heaven, now you could call on heaven all you wanted to regardless of the tone of voice or your intent when you uttered those words an expletive or as a prayer.

In this area of the United States, twelve step meetings of all kinds are closed with the group standing, holding hands, and reciting the Lord’s Prayer. The first phrase they recite in unison is, “Our father who art in heaven.” As you might have guessed by now, the theme of today’s blog is the concept of heaven and what it means.

I remember childhood Sunday School lessons painting visions of heaven as a place full of angels strumming harps as they stood on roads paved with gold surrounded by clouds. Perhaps I have always been a bit too mischievous, but I always found that concept of heaven boring. What would anyone want with gold in a place where every desire is fulfilled? You wouldn’t need it to buy anything, and it would be so common that I doubt golden jewelry would be a hot item. Even now when I contemplate an eternity spent in such surroundings I find myself thinking eternity would be only one step above being stuck for eternity in an elevator listening to AT&T’s tinny Musak playing over and over again with the only respite being a pause of a few seconds before the same old dreary noise starts playing again.

Every Sunday in church we sing or recite in unison, “Therefore we praise you, joining our voices with Angels and Archangels and with all the company of heaven, who for ever sing this hymn to proclaim the glory of your Name ” (The Book of Common Prayer, p. 362). At those times I occasionally have a disheartening glimpse of myself surrounded by angels and Archangels singing the same words over and over again for all eternity while Christ just sits at the “right hand of the Father” (p. 358). Then, I find myself momentarily worried that I will eternally be thinking, “Is this all there is?” Of course, my next thought is usually along the lines of “if I keep thinking like this I may never find out.”

Okay, from here on, what I say is going to focus on clarifying my own concept of heaven. When I was about 12, a Methodist minister told me heaven was inside of us and when we say the Lord’s prayer we are asking for heaven within us to be also “on earth.” That was when I first started thinking that perhaps heaven was not a place or physical destination after all.

Chittister (1999, In Search of Belief, p. 51) shares her belief in what heaven is with these words: “‘The Kingdom of heaven is within you,’ Jesus taught. Life around me will not cease to be whatever it is, perhaps, but life within me always offers more. More depth of understanding. More of a sense of justice. More of kindness. More grasp of God. Heaven is nothing but fullness of life and union with God. If I do not burst into heaven here, make heaven here for me, for everyone, I sincerely doubt that I will find it anywhere else. This life as I have been given it is my beaker of God who is in everything, everyone, everywhere. ” Chittister clarifies that this concept of heaven motivates us to work at creating “heaven on earth” in the present moment rather than using it as a carrot-on-a-stick type of reward to lull us into accepting things like poverty and injustice.

Enough about heaven. I can’t wait to hear about your ideas about heaven—as it exists within us, on earth, or as an end-point destination after death. Please comment. Thank you. May God bless and keep you.

Categories recovery, Spirituality